Forever Love....

I wrote a poem after a very long time, I used to write in English when I was in school....Hope you enjoy it....

Forever Love

I think of you everyday
not a moment passes by
without a thought of you
lingering in my heart
A day will come
my breath with stop
with the pain
wondering if you will
ever be by my side
there was a time
you couldn't stay away
 Your heart and mind
pull you apart
but I know
the love is there
I saw it in your eyes....

My love for you
will not fade away
So I'll just wait
for you to say
All that is in your heart

A day will come
We’ll be one again
And never again
will the two of us be apart
our heart as one
as long ago
this is a forever love
and I know you  know
coz I've seen it in your heart.....

Learning to draw boundaries

Finally, with my Internet working, I'm here writing. This week, I learnt a very important lesson. A lesson, life has been trying to teach me since childhood. Standing up for what I believe is right.

You see, in all my relationships, existing and exes, there is a pattern I followed. I never made clear boundaries. I allowed people to push me into corners and do as they please.I wanted to be peaceful, and so I hardly ever put my foot down, till things got really out of hand. I thought, if I continued being nice ( submissive), these people would somehow like me and if they like me, they will care about my feelings.This never happened, on the contrary, I carried feelings of being unjustly treated. Thankfully, the path I've been walking, helps me and helps me help others. Being aware of patterns and how to get out of them, has enabled me to clear out a lot of clutter and baggage from my life. What it also did, was make me realise, the past does not blow away. If there are unresolved things there, it just come right back at you, till you, do, what it is you're meant to do, as in my case, it was learning to draw boundaries and making people understand, I mean it when I say NO. The middle ground between being aggressive and passive is Polite assertiveness.This is how I finally I'm in the middle of learning Polite Assertiveness....

Now then, this situation would be easier for me to write about, if I only wrote it from my point of view, the problem is I can't. In this situation, everyone is, from their perspective , in the right. Let me start from the very beginning. My ex husband and I haven't seen eye to eye on a lot of issues. We did however agree on one thing, the happiness of our son is paramount. I felt, it was important for us to stay on friendly terms in spite of our divorce for the sake of our son. I felt, we need to stay in touch either over the phone or via email, so as to be on the same page about his upbringing.I thought, its important both parents say the same guidelines to the child, to minimise confusion.Implement the same rules.  He however ,thought, I was no longer in the picture.

I have the full custody of my son, and my ex husband has been out of the country for over a year and a half. While he was here, much though , it was uncomfortable for me, I sent my sent over to his place every weekend, so that their bond does not suffer.After he left the country, I continued to send my son, to visit his grandparents every weekend. I did this, despite my loneliness, my empty weekend. i wanted my son to experience the unconditional love only grand parents can give. I have missed out on that love, having never seen any of my grand parents. I thought I was doing the right thing. They are wonderful to him. My next blog "A letter to grandparents" ,will shed more light on this aspect.

Coming back to my ex husband. The more submissive I became, during the proceedings of the divorce and after that, somehow made him feel, he can bully me into complying every time.He forgot, it was my prerogative, who can meet my son. He forgot that, I was working very hard, on raising a well disciplined son, and that takes a lot of firmness. I was the one left to deal with all the growing up angst and questions my son had. i tried to always give him a correct picture of the situations. He by the grace of God, is a well settled child.

His relationship with his father became a couple of hours a week over skype. I was not privy to what happened during these conversations , as he spoke only when my son was at his parents house. All my attempts to be involved were treated with high-handedness and ignored. Now, my ex-husband, before moving out of this country, got re-married. I was happy for him. His wife seemed highly educated and having worked with children, knew how to placate them. She however has heard only one side of the story. The version of my ex husband. She followed suit and started treating me like an invisible entity, she had to put up with. In my presence, she would pull aside my son, ignoring me. Without going into further details, let it suffice to say, she crossed her boundaries with me. She forgot to respect the fact that I was the mother, and invaded a place that was not hers. Now my son, is at a very impressionable age. Any one who treats him with leniency becomes his best friend. Expensive gifts, giving in to his tantrums, ignoring the time table I've st for his healthy well being, when ignored, makes him feel powerful.He started learning, its ok to ignore the rules set by mom. Its ok to insist someone sleep with him, not eat food on time or even flout the rule of studying/reading for an hour every day. See leniency makes you popular, but, it also weakens the child's foundations. He slowly turns against the mother, who he perceives as the "bad cop".

My ex husband's wife came to India this week. I said NO, I do not want my son to spend so much, un- supervised time with her. She takes no permissions from me, about what' ok with me via-a-vis my son's upbringing. She needs to first let me get to know her. Make her understand just a very few of my thoughts on child raising . ( she is no yet a mother herself, so perhaps does not understand, worrying comes with my job description). i would have appreciated an effort on her part to join hands with me in becoming one of the care givers to my son. Yet my ex husband and she just took it as their right to push me aside and do just as they pleased with my son. The break down of the communication, because they assumed I had no role to play, just as long he was with them was not acceptable to me. When I said NO, its my right , to decide who meets or doesn't meet my son, a huge furor happened. My son was led to believe i do not like the lady in question. i don't even know her, how can I like or dislike her. My whole problem was I don't know her, how can I trust my son with her, for long periods of time. After all wasn't she behind my son's brain wash about living abroad and going to school there?

I learnt something very important this week. Had I not cowered before, has I not let go of my rights so easily during my marriage and during the divorce, he would not have taken me so lightly. Had I insisted right from the start, that I be updated on what they were doing together, what they spoke about or that they needed my permission before taking my son to visit outside people, I might not have had to fight to hard, to say a simple NO. had I insisted, that my ex husband needs to let me interact and get to know his new wife, things would not have got so much out of hand.

Raising, a child is no easy feat. Every day is filled with challenges, sacrifices, added responsibilities. If the people involved in raising the child, no matter how sporadically do not learn to respect the boundaries of each other and the primary care giver, there will be a breakdown. I am back to square one trying to make my son, understand NO, to understand, he needs to sleep alone, to do his hand writing and math practise everyday, if he wants to continue being an A grader. I've had to explain to him why he has to respect mom, even though his father doesn't and his grandparents don't adhere to time tables.I'm having to work all over again to make him stop using tears to get his way every time he wants out of some thing....I just hope, who ever is reading this, whatever your situation may be. Regarding an existing relationship with parents, spouse, children boss or colleagues, the earlier you draw you boundaries, no matter how hard it is for you, the lesser mess there will be later. You're responsible for being treated callously or like a door mat. It upto to you to make your limits clear.Its totally up to you what you're ok and not ok with. Just like you've learnt to live with the idiosyncrasy of other, so they with learn to live with yours....

What stress did to me.....

Today I noticed something I have over looked while introspecting myself and my life for repetitive patterns. I saw I was a working woman when i was trying to sustain something, ie my independence or regaining my independence after my separation. I was under huge stress at the time. I was living with a lot of responsibilities post that time period, as a single mom.Life as we all know doesn't have single track story lines, so you can imagine the levels of stress were very high. My life, every day was a long long list of things to do. Every minute of the day was filled. To wake up the next day and start all over. I lived in constant stress financially,emotionally and physically. I pushed and pushed myself.

Do you know what happened, when finally the time came, when some of the stress eased off. I agree all my problems didn't vanish . However, the more I practised my tools, life did become less stressful. I learnt to handle situations better. I learnt not to take comments seriously, from people who haven't taken the time to know me. Yet marriage does kind of reduce emotional insecurities to an extent. The financial load is also kind of divided. I suddenly started having more time at hand, and this time was not being spent, preventing or putting out any fires. It was just, free time!!! Do you know what it did to me? I started getting bored. I had always been solving problems, was on my toes morning to night and constantly figuring out things. Now I had a chance to lie back and do nothing. I started feeling worthless. Not literally but the nearest explanation I can find to explain the kind of boredom i was feeling. I berated myself for being laid back, not using the time constructively, finding problems real or imaginary to solve.

It took a long good hard look at myself to realise, maybe I was so used to stress, I couldn't enjoy a life without it. I constantly needed something to solve or do to feel good. I know, thing things are not yet that good, that I can afford all the things I wanted to do. ie: I've always wanted to learn pottery and guitar lessons. First I need to be able to afford the classes and the instruments required. I know, all in good time. Yet, I was fretting about but my hours are being spent idle and that resulted in me actually not accomplishing much during the day.

I remember the time, writing a short story was so easy for me, all I had to do was lie down and let my imagination take over and there I had short story of the day. my first short story got published when I was just 16!!! Now when I lie back, I have a purpose in my mind, an idea must come, I must channelise, I just have to write. The pressure took away all the pleasure and my imagination shut its door on my face.

I realise today, there is a time and place for everything. Discipline is good, pro action is good, hard work is good, being constructive is good, but its better to live, to enjoy every part of the process, and not to rush things that makes doing anything worthwhile. Stress is not only bad for health, it causes burnout. Its important to take a deep breath and remind our self, everything is not a matter of life and death. Though initially anxiety may seem to be fuel to you, as it pushes you to do more and more, better and better, remember stress and anxiety use you as their fuel. Soon, you will be just an empty shell. I find my CFS ( chronic fatigue syndrome) was a blessing in disguise. I did only things on need to do basis, gave rest to my body, mind and heart. As i got better, I started doing things just to enjoy the process. There was no binding compulsion to write everyday and weirdly I started writing almost everyday.

Today, I am grateful for realising, how much stress was eating away at me. I'm grateful for the tools I have, that I can use to release it. I am thankful for the reminder life is beautiful, but only for those who stop to take in the beauty of life.Stress only side-blinds you, never allowing you to see the beauty on the roadside, your fellow passengers or the beautiful sky lines. The more I let go of stress, the more beauty I allow in my life.....

On relationships and love.....

A woman doesn't have to take things lying down

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2011/11/im-not-sitathank-god.html

To my readers who are finding it difficult to let go of a person the thought was "the one"

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2011/11/radha-its-time.html

too many relationships are not a great thing

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2011/11/like-note-thats-changed-hands-once-too.html

what happens when a relationship ends? One more than the other gets a raw deal....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2011/12/death-of-relationship.html

A divorce is painful, its scars can last a lifetime....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2011/12/when-two-people-lose.html

Love does make the world go round, love deserves a chance...

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2011/12/spoonful-of-sugar.html

Holidays are no fun when you're single, or when they are too many demands on you....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2011/12/holiday-blues.html

Some people just suck the life out of you, do you have to deal with such people

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2011/12/emotional-vampires.html

Glories are written about a forgiving heart, yet forgiveness is a process....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2011/12/before-forgiveness.html

How to carry on with your life, after a devastating break up....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2011/12/picking-up-pieces.html

Your mind/ego screams you want your lover back....do you really?

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2012/01/i-want-him-back.html

Asking for help and then receiving it can be very hard on self reliant people, I understand....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2012/01/i-need-help.html

A rude awakening and major changes in life can shake anyone's confidence, but are are you giving into your fears....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2012/01/afraid-of-moving-forward.html

Starting a new relationship, finding the perfect mate....its a wild goose chase...

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2012/01/in-search-of-love.html

Cheating breaks hearts, it destroys a person from the inside, you have the power to say No, whatever the role you're playing...

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2012/01/say-no-to-cheating.html

Loneliness is scary, it can change ....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2012/01/i-dont-want-to-be-alone.html

Tips and technique, tools and guidance from someone whose been then, done that.....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2012/01/i-dont-want-to-be-alone2.html

Trying everything in your power to get over a broken heart? here's help, yes its a manual.....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2012/01/broken-hearts-anonymous-how-to-overcome.html

Pitfalls to avoid and signs to look out for, is your partner serious about you or conning you....read between the lines....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2012/01/i-will-never-get-married-to-you.html

Its not easy, but it can be done, staying friends with your ex....

http://spiritualconquests.blogspot.in/2012/02/staying-friends-with-ex.html

There is no God...?

I have seen people keep their faith, when things are normal in their life. Through hardships, they struggle to keep their faith. There are times though, when despite their prayers, the situation goes from bad to worse and they is no solution in sight, they begin to lose hope and worse they begin to lose faith. I have heard , time and again, people lash out and say, there is no God, there is no such thing as God. If there is a God, where is he, why isn't he responding to my prayers? why isn't he helping me? I do understand the frustration, yet there is certain clarity required in their perception.

First thing first, faith is not faith,, when doubt enters every time something goes contrary to your wish or desire. God has nothing to do with your good phase or your bad phase. These things are determined prior to your birth, by your higher selves, keeping in mind your karma, karmic balance, lessons, experiences to be had. You always have a free will and choice, especially regards to your attitude. The more you resist, the tighter the knot gets and the more you prolong that phase or lesson of yours. Acceptance with grace and total surrender to the situation at hand, saves your own energies to be used more proactively.

Second, God, is not Santa Claus, an anaesthesia or pain killer. He is not there to do your bidding and provide you with everything you ask for. If you have pain, he has given you tools to deal with it. If you can't find the tools seek help and accept the situation , instead of rubbishing it.We beg him for a job, a spouse love, heal my child, we ask him to reward us for all the years of our faith in him. We demand miracles. We want our problems to go away now. We are filled with anger at the injustice, we believe he is meting out to us.

Third, God, is the creator. Much like a person, who build a machine, that now operates at auto pilot, he set the universe in motion, thousands of years ago. He is not sitting idle next to the machine he created, listening to every component complain about how hard they work, how though things are.

Fourth, Prayers help you for sure. We do not go to a temple, church or mosque, as a hotline to God. We go their to align our self with the light. The light, being purely white, consists of every color possible. Whatever, that is missing in us be in mind, heart , body or else where, gets a replenishment of that color. When the light washes our entire being in its pure radiance, we find our bearings and calm down. Once that happens, solutions that were evading us , start coming to us, much like oiling in the machinery reducing the friction and improves the performance.

God , our supreme creator , the almighty exists. He doesn't need us to believe. If we do and when we do, we are aligned to his light and the divine in us enables us to become co-creators.He is his creation. We know only a small percentage of his creations, yet , he is evident in his perfect creations. The galaxies, the planets, the flora and fauna. Every flower that blossoms, regardless of a gardener present or not proves he takes care of all his creations. There is a joke, its so apt today. One a scientist goes to God and says, we don't need you anymore. We have figured out how to create man. God smiles and says Show me....The scientist bends down to take a fistful of dirt and God stops him and says, use your own dirt....!!!!

I have gone through very very bad times, Ive gone without food, I was apart from my son for two years.A divorce, heartbreak, giving up on dreams, abuse, financial crisis ....Yet faith is not like seasons that changes with every changing phase. I learnt, I have a great listener in God, who does not judge . He listens and if you sit very quiet, you feel his embrace. you her him whispering to you. If you stop making God into something you can understand cerebrally with tangible proof. If you seek God as your personal genie or trouble shooter, you are setting yourself up for a disappointment. You are not him. He sent you to live, to experience, to deal to cope, to learn and to grow. The manual, is your very life, introspection is a tool, watch the patterns that repeat in your life, observe your thought and repetitive feelings. If you believe you do not deserve better, what does God have to do with it. You learn patience, you learn compassion, empathy, unconditional love, trust and much more in a single life time, but only if you're willing to learn. If you are a reluctant student, no teacher can teach yo, if you only want to hear what you wish to hear, you will never grow.

God, is not debatable, you can choose today, to change your perception of God. You can make him your best friend, lover or parent but please do get over the perception, he is there to serve you....One last thing, you may chose to believe in God, or not, but he believes in you...that's why you are here....

Waiting for our dues......

My husband says, a process is always more interesting than the outcome. I don't know about that. I do know, when you're in the middle of a process, your mind can leave you in a tizzy. A process seems endless, and a lot of time you end up wondering if anything is worth it? The process, be it of farming, or looking for a job, or a spiritual conquest. The journey always is unpredictable, it throws you off the track, it shakes up your assumptions, it brings forth suppressed fears. One of the biggest fears, we all face regarding one aspect or another, I notice in usually two areas of life monetary and relationships. We have deep rooted beliefs, we don't deserve better. We attract situations to validate this belief, then we try our best to overcome, every obstacle we have manifested / attracted but deny to our self permanent victories.

My first marriage was a lonely one. Trust me; there is nothing worse than a lonely marriage. It damages everything, from your self esteem, to your capacity to enjoy any of life's pleasure. The scars remain with you, no matter how much time has passed. Yesterday, I had an epiphany. I understood, why although I’ve forgiven, let go of my past, released anger, there was always one part of me lingering in the past. A part of me that felt unfulfilled and empty, like it needed something. I understood, most of us, wait for the very same thing, all our lives, without being able to pin-point, what it is that still hooks us with our past.

 It is the desire for justice. By justice I do not mean the front row to karmic payback. The suffering of those, who were our perpetrators, gives us no relief. We do not seek revenge, though we may day dream of it from time to time. What I mean by justice, is compensation. You do a job, with full dedication, hard work, using all your talents, at the end of the month; your compensation is your pay cheque. It becomes your right. When that is denied to you, you keep waiting for it, sometimes you ask for it, when it doesn't come, anger, resentment and several other negative emotions fill your heart. For everything we do, there is a consequence, there is also a something that becomes due to you, and it becomes your right. Sure we all have been taught to do our Karmas and not desire the fruit. We may drop the desire, yet our subconscious also knows when we have been denied, something that was rightfully ours.

 We may not be aware, we're waiting for an apology, a letter of gratitude, payment for our work, equal rights, equal love and attention from your parents, a right to express our inner most thoughts, we may be waiting for our turn to come, or a break to prove our self, maybe all we are waiting for is for someone to truly understand us and love and accept us the way we are. All our spiritual tools help us shrug off most negative emotional charges, they help us focus on the good we have, to seek the blessings in our current situations, but none can take away the charge from truth. Truth is light itself. Our rights, our dues, our compensations are truths, that our mind may not grasp or word but our heart knows and so does so does our  sub conscious. This waiting keeps us hooked to the past, regardless of all our attempts to get over, move on, get past.

Someone ones asked me, why I still talk about my ex-husband. If, I have forgiven him, and moved on? Yes its true, most of my wounds have healed. Yet, I understood last night, I'm still waiting for some compensation, due to me, due to the wife, who gave up so much of herself, came out shards of her former self. Compensation for the trust betrayed. Compensation for her goodness that went un-noticed, unrewarded. Compensation, for the fact, that I continued to believe goodness of his heart. It’s not only him. A lot of situations in life makes one feel that way. As though, the very universe has denied you, your dues. Especially, when you never lost hope, or faith, when you continued to do everything by the book and yet, your struggles never end.

Today, what I've written, is a process. A sorting, if you must, and understanding, that is beginning to emerge. What the end result or deduction will be, I do not know. The solution to how to let go of this desire for compensation, I have yet to understand, yet I found, the insight interesting enough to share. Perhaps, like me, all you're waiting for, is compensation or your dues. I will ask you, what I asked myself...Is the waiting helping me or anybody, in any way? Is it worth it? Is it worth repeating drama patterns, just so you can feel validated? If you knew you were right, why do you need any one, including the universe to pat you on the back and say good job? I don't have too many answers right now, but the insight is important. And more important for me was the realization, NO, it’s not worth it, any hook from the past, positive or negative, is taking away the charge from my NOW, from my present, and that is not worth it.

I did find an affirmation, in the book of Louise Hay, I'm sharing it with you, with alterations I've made to it. I hope it will help you and it will help me. " I release the past and allow myself to heal every area of my life NOW, I release all hooks, tying me to the past, Now, with blessings and gratitude, for all the things it enriched me with. I release, Now, the need for the patterns to repeat” (or any other need, such as poverty, unstable relationships, lack of intimacy, victimization etc )
With faith and grace.....

What makes Life worth Living

Today, I woke up , edgy and restless. A question kept going on in my brain in a loop. This is actually quite frustrating, because your brain does not pause enough to listen to the answer. I do believe, every question, has within it, the answer to the question. The question that haunted me this morning was, what makes life worth living? I posed this question to several of my friends. Very few respond to serious questions. A joke garners a lot more response. Yet a did get a few serious replies. I narrowed down my own answer along with the few replies I had received. I broadly categorised the answers and came to an understanding. As everything else, all answers belonged to one of these categories. Wealth/ Fiances, Romance/ Relationships, Career/Ego and just a couple in the Spiritual realm. Strangely enough not one answer, including mine referred to our physical well being or health.

I do agree, good sex, great relationships with lover, family etc, a great career and no worries of money do make life easy, more fun perhaps. The question still remained, What makes life, worth living? I mean, I know we come down to gather experiences, we learn lessons, undo mistakes, balance our karma and all that, yet, it can't just be our survival instinct , that makes us want to live, to beat the odds. What makes a cripple beggar want to live. What relationships, career or wealth or even physical well being, makes him want to evade death? In all these aspects we all see highs and lows, victories and losses, and hope for the good times, aspirations of betterment keeps us on our toes. This still did not answer my question.

I tried to look for an answer within the question. I got two answers. A worthy life and LIVING. A worthy life, is something each individual defines for themselves. Its not just social workers or philanthropists who lead a worthy life. A world without entrepreneurs, artists, poets, actors , writers would be dry, drab and dull. What would a day be like with no music or good food. A person defines for himself, using existing parameters to define a life well lived and Worthy. That explains the answers I received.

The more simple and yet complex answers was LIVING. What defines living. A life where every moment is filled with activity, or where every moment is enjoyed. Every moment, when you feel alive, when you are growing , learning, experiencing, that in a gist perhaps defines living. Be in the moment, live in the now, all wise men and maxims point us in the direction of the NOW. Living every moment in the NOW, is the most difficult for most of us to achieve, we live both in the past and the future, never mindful of the present. I figured, if just living and now was what we were meant to be doing, how is it that life becomes so complicated.

Do we not have barometers inside us to tell us how our individual life is panning out. What does another soul's journey become our parameter on how to lead our lives. For every individual a different thing makes them happy, fulfilled and fills them with passion. Its doing different things for each of us that fills us with wonder or a desire to strive for. Our goals, our lessons, our experiences are all very different. What makes Life worth living? Yes the answer, simple as it may be, remains, Living. Doing things that makes us feel alive, doing it to the best of our abilities and regardless of obstacles and against all odds. To be, just be in our natural state, in the now, is what makes life worthwhile. Living as Me........makes my life worth living....

The dark cloud and the silver lining.....

Did I beat the CFS I was suffering from since January this year? Well for most parts. This year has been particularly hard. It started with my husband not having a job and not receiving payment from his last job. I went through CFS, which left me utterly exhausted and confused. Yet like they say, every cloud has a silver lining. This phase of my life too showed me several silver linings. For one, when you have no money, its so easy to figure out who loves you for who you are, and not for your power, fame , money or any other reason.

 Strangely enough, in the worst of my times, I have found my friends surrounding me. They sort of form a protective circle around. One friend, I know only from a social networking site, calls me up from out of the blue, says motivating words to me, offers help. Another one paid my phone bill. A third friend, made sure he came to visit me , more than usual, to talk to me, make me laugh, to encourage me to step out for short spans of time. Weirdly enough ,when I was out of groceries and with no money, I found myself being asked out for dinner, more than I was in the entire year. I have felt so loved as I can ever hope to be.

I found myself planning to take up a job, once my son's vacations are over. I found myself getting excited again about pursuing my hobbies like swimming.After years I wanted to learn to play the guitar and take up pottery. I did a few paintings along side my son. I ended up seeing the tender side of my husband and the mature side of my son. Yesterday, things got so bad, I had to sell of certain personal items to pay the monthly bills and yet, I was not anxious, bitter or depressed. I found a deep calmness running deep within myself. I realized the past three months, though they were difficult on my body, they made me strong from the inside.Now forgiveness, is not just a technique, it flows naturally. Faith does not waiver and prayers happen automatically. My intuition became clearer than ever. I found negative energies directed toward me, no longer affect me or my moods. A peace has descended.

My ramblings are not without purpose. What I learnt through this entire process, this phase of physical weakness and monetary bleakness was, these things do not affect you, unless you allow them to. I learnt, there is definitely a reason why something happens. The surface maybe, what is tangible to us, yet most important work happens within us. If only we let go and let the process happen naturally, take its own course, in its due time, we will not get exhausted mentally. The process will strengthen us from where it matters the most. A car needs to stop running and sit in a garage for it to get serviced. From time to time, we all go through phases that compel us to pause , force us to sit down. Things do not go the way we desire. We do not have jobs, or relationships that work. We may suffer from humiliation, abuse or illness. It is hard to accept when someone says, check your premise, you have attracted this situation in your life. We may not have attracted the situation in our life, we may not like the circumstances, yet, it always gives us something in return. It may leave you with an awareness of your inner strength, compassion, empathy, spirituality or new ideas. The trick is to not let the circumstances exhaust your mind. For that, you just have to let things happen. Do not spend too much energy thinking about it or try to fight it off. Efforts in the correct direction, reap the rewards a a later stage much like a filed needs to be ploughed, fertilised before the seeds are sown. you do not reap the plants immediately, you continue to water and tend, only when the crops are ripe do you harvest. Every thing in life has a process and every process has its own cycle and time for completion.

One thing that helped me, and I'd like to share, was closing my eyes and taking in white light from my crown chakra and my third eyes and giving the intention of it reaching every pore and cell in my body. Hope this helps you too....

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome...trully exhausting

The past few months, I have been suffering from a strange problem, I recently figured out its called " The Chronic  Fatigue Syndrome". It is something, most of us would never acknowledge as a real condition or physical problem. TO a Lay person, it may seem , one is being, plain lazy or lethargic. Others may think the person is suffering from borderline clinical depression. The thing is CFS is a real condition. You wake up tired. You feel a deep fatigue in your body , sometimes the exhaustion is so much you can barely brush your teeth or take a shower. Small everyday chores, you did fairly easily in the past, all seem uphill tasks. You never get enough sleep. Activities still give you pleasure, In your head , you still plan to do things but are unable to physically execute them. I love writing, yet in the past three months, I haven't been able to write even my blog. I haven't read a book either and I used to devour books prior to this condition.

I initially thought, my mind, heart and body have taken a lot of shit in the past 15 years. Perhaps , my body just wants its share of rest. There had been so many rapid changes, ups and down, so many battle I had to fight , one after another, it seemed like a plausible explanation. Yet the fatigue just wouldn't reduce. I knew I was not depressed. When one is depressed you don't enjoy activities, or company of friends, I was still enjoying everything, just didn't have the energy to do them any more.

I went down my metaphysical road to figure out the cause. One thing is sure, your body only reflects whatever your mind/heart/soul is going through. Any illness boils down to fear/anger/resistance. I have an understanding, when faced by a lower energy such as fear/anger, the best way to deal with is , to push through them, face them head on. I have started forcing myself to accomplish small tasks everyday. One phone call, before my nap, I requested my friend to take me out for short spans of time. I started to re-write, no matter how small , my article or story might be. Water is the best cleanser we have. I consciously increased my intake of water. I have not yet recovered. The aches and pains are like one experiences during and after flu.

I chose to share this today, because people assume, being a healer means you will never be inflicted with physical problems, but that's like saying a doctor never falls ill. I am sharing what I am going through, yet how I am dealing with it not as a physical ailment but with an understanding of the principles behind it.  I choose to use natural therapies. I believe once my purging is over and I continue to work with the energies all around me, I will bring back into balance whatever part of me that is no longer in balance. It could be my chakras, my yin and yang, it could be a stagnant belief system or a deep rooted fear or resistance. i am also sharing this because, a lot of people out there, maybe going through similar condition and yet are not being taken seriously by those around them.

As a friend or a spouse, this condition may test your patience. You may believe its only psychosomatic or pure lethargy. The fact is, its very real. No one likes having a fogged up brain and aching limbs all day. No one asks to feel fatigue , even after a full night's rest. No one likes to see chores piling up. What they need from you is understanding and support. Above all gentle encouragement that nudges them to do small things , perhaps help them by breaking things into small steps for them. If you're lucky to have gardens or parks near where you live, take them for few minutes and let them sit or lie down on the grass after a small walk. Mother earth has amazing curative powers. Their emotional state is vulnerable so try not to have arguments or speak in loud tones, it literary makes our body jittery.

If you're the one going to CFS, try to do things slowly, don't force yourself to do too much, even on days when you're feeling good, it just leads to relapse, take it from me.Do ask for help and explain to your family and friends what it is you're going through. Eat more of natural food and increase your water in take. Don't make the mistake of taking medication meant for depression, as it will not help you.

To be honest, I am feeling drained already, yet I'm happy I managed to write today. I can tick of one thing from my to-do list. That makes me feel good.....

On budgets and payments....

When I was young, My parents, teachers and even the story books I read all tried to tell me the same things. Dedication, hard-work and discipline take you a long way. When things get tough, work harder, stay honest , keep the faith and it all works out in your favor eventually.

Its the time of the budget again. Everyone I know was glued in front of the television, trying to make sense of what a man with an accent of a buffalo was saying. As a child I grew up watching my dad, follow every budget very carefully. He would then plan his investments and cut downs based on it. He would generally be in a foul mood for the rest of the day. I never did understand much then, frankly I don't understand much now. All I know is the bottom line , every time is, everything ends up becoming more and more unaffordable.Everything from milk, fruits and vegetables become expensive. My dream of living in a bigger house always gets pushed a bit more closer to the horizon. With iron, cement and bricks, the  raw material costing more it obviously means, my small family has to continue to make do, with gratitude in a small 590 square feet space called home. All I know is, my husband, who by the way has dedication, discipline, talent, hard work for two people and then some, cannot afford to spend money on commuting to go and search for a job.

The last three years, any one who has a job, is clinging onto it for dear life. No one is secure anymore, talent be damned, no one knows when there will be lay offs and what aspect of their behaviour will be looked upon unfavourably by the authorities and they will become the marked ones. This means, certain levels of jobs are choc o bloc, there is no movement, there is no hiring.

My husband, had a dream. Since he was in the 8th grade, he wanted to make films. Slowly over the years, it had dawned upon him, he needs to know the correct people to make the dream a reality. He clutches to this dream with all his passion. In the mean time, he gave up a plush, well paying job, because he saw an opportunity of realising his dream. True, his decision based on emotions. To pay his bills he chose to work in the television industry. The thing is , he worked like a dog. He loves his work so much, it hurts the observer to see. He takes care of every minor detail, make up of an artiste, the sculpture that's incomplete, a set that needs to be made but the art director is not around, the costume that needs to be designed and made, he takes it upon himself and does it. He never asked for applause for it, or extra payment or ever credit. It broke my heart when, two ladies he has been working for , the last few months haven't paid him his dues. Six months of waiting for his payment, he went to one, who makes these soaps based on the lives of God, her show has a lot of words of wisdom on karma, yet this family owned firm, after six months, harassed him for two whole weeks, asking him to wait in the hallway for his payments, everyday making him commute and wait, finally told him, they wouldn't be paying him as much he was supposed to get, in fact far less. He accepted that. At least, we would be able to buy groceries and pay our bills ,which we haven't been able to do for last few months. Then they dropped the bomb, if, when he is given the cheque it would be post dated for another month and a half.  In desperation, he went to the other lady to ask for his pittance of payment for an odd free lance job he had done for her. Might I add, the raw material cost , was half of what they are paying him. He, requested her, citing her financial problems and requesting a release for his payments. The lady wrote back rudely, exclaiming everybody needs moneys!!!!

The things is, perhaps these ladies , who are extremely over weight , keep citing financial problems too, to avoid making payments. Yet I have yet to see, their families suffering due to non payment of bills. They spend more on a party in a night, than they need to pay my husband. These women, who make these soaps with lectures on karma, don't seem to realise, what goes around, does come around. Today they have the power, tomorrow someone else will. Today, they don't need to think from where their groceries come from, tomorrow they will. Today, they have people around them, because they have power, in just a few years, they will be old and lonely and no one will care, because they will have no currency of good karma .

Coming back to the budget, the bottom line is, every thing is going to get expensive. All the elders who told us to work with dedication, discipline, hard work etc, perhaps were not aware of the film and television industry. Had they been, they would have taught us other values, certainly not one of faith. I day dream sometimes, wishing their was this acres of land, my grand pa had willed to me, I would build a house there, with gardens and grow everything there. I find my self rudely waking up from a simple, languid dream, because of a thought in my head, why did my higher self and that of my husband hate us so much. Why would our higher selves chose perhaps the worst industry in the world and make us a part of it.......

I am beginning to wonder, if the process of ascension is still happening.  Staying positive, doing the right thing, listening to your heart, it all seems to be failing right now. The crooked are still prospering. If we really can chose to create our own realities, I can tell you this much, this was definitely not the reality, my husband or me chose. We wanted to create, weave stories, enthrall people. We wanted to express through this medium different ideas , we wanted to use our creativity. We are now like the grains of wheat. The mil stone made of those who make the budget and those who do not give us our payments. Its us and our dreams, that our getting crushed between these two stones, grind-ed out to oblivion....

Julia ,Julie and Me....

Meryl Streep is a fabulous actor, who can deny that. Having said that and gotten that out of the way, I can now write my blog.
Last night I was watching , with my husband, one of her most endearing portrayal of a lady Julia Child. Now Julia lived in mid 40s and ended up writing a cook book which is now in some 45th re-print. The movie, is the story of Julie, who is living a mediocre life, her house above a pizzeria in Queens. She gets inspired by the life of Julia and takes upon herself a challenge to cook over 500 recipes from Julia's book in 365 days. What connects with me in this film, is how much I relate with both the women. (Julie & Julia is a 2009 American comedy-drama film written and directed by Nora Ephron)

All of the billions of people on this planet earth, we all want to leave a mark. Our worst fear , some where is to live a mediocre life and die without some much a leaving a foot print in the sands of time. We may follow various paths of career, relationships, wealth, power, spirituality, military, all in the hope, that some where we made some difference in someones life. That we mattered.

I was miserable as I watched the film, so much of me up there on the screen. I flogged my self, for not being as happy go lucky and dedicated as Julia, not diligent as Julie. I may not be writing a cookery book, but since I was very little, I knew, I am a writer. I am siting on a book for two years now, wondering how to get it published. I started writing my blog and yet this month , has been dismal. I wonder how come I never keep dead lines for my self. My father's voice keeps echoing in my head " you have no discipline", " thought are just thoughts  unless backed by action", the more I listen to these voices inside me, the less I'm motivated and more despondent I get. Last night after watching the film I realised several things. One, it can take years to finish a book conceived out of love, the gestation period maybe different for different books, you just have to keep at it. Second I realised, all it takes is one right person to come across your labour of love , it may mean one interview or one friend who believe in what you are doing, and doors will open for you to take it to the world. Third and most importantly, I realised, I am truly married to a wonderful man. He may not be an ambassador or a saint, but he is patient, he is creative and he believes in what I'm doing.

Sometimes, I wish, I was doing something as tangible as a love story or a cook book, that comes easy to me, yet writing about meta-physics, its hard, only because its an on going process, you learn something new everyday. You are a student every moment till you die. As you teach, you continue to learn. The movie told me, you are not writing an encyclopedia. Its alright to trust someone out there will appreciate the love and hard work that's gone into it. I can keep adding volumes to it later , as my journey keeps unfolding, for now, I just need the courage to post the manuscript.And as a dialogue in the film goes 

Paul Child: [after telling Julia that she should be on television, & she laughs] I'm not kidding you; I'm not. Someone is going to publish your book. Someone is going to read your book, and realise what you've done. Because YOUR BOOK is amazing. YOUR BOOK is a work of genius. YOUR BOOK is going to change the world.

Thank you Julie, thank you Julia....

my 1st e-interview on soulmates....

http://www.thesoulmateexperience.com/a-woman-with-soul-nikeeta-bharrgava/

Staying friends with ex...

I want to stay friends with my ex.....I understand this sentiment very well. I have been on both sides of the coin. I personally am an advocate of this sentiment . To be honest, if not friends, I'm still on very good terms with all of my exes. I can warn you, it is a double edged sword, you're planning to walk on, if this is the path you chose to walk on.

Most people prefer to make a clean break, I think its easier not only for the two people there but for their future partners as well.The thing with friendship with exes is, one of them always ends up using it as a foot inside the door, for an opportunity to slip back inside. Second of all, its very hard to become platonic, once you've shared intimacy, unless, lack of chemistry was the problem to begin with.Not only does the history and the bad memory of the break up hinder, any possible healthy friendship, it also confuses, the rejected person and the person you are dating now. A warning here is, a lot of people use this friendship to use the person  they rejected as a safety net for times when they are low, lonely or plain horny.


If there are true intentions of keeping friendship, which according to me, should be something to aspire for , there are a few things  to keep in mind. One thing to start with, ensure, both of you have actually gotten over each other and moved on in life. Second off all, all issues have been dealt with, no resentments or hopes are lingering and the break up has been forgiven. I do not advice anyone to use another or to be used, knowingly or unknowingly. Its actually advisable to take a complete break from each other, to let it register to your brain and heart, that part of the relationship is over. It can take 6 months to a year, before you are ready for the switching  roles. If you still feel upset, jealous or possessive, take more time away, because you clearly haven't gotten over.

Another important thing to remember, when roles change, rules change. You will no longer have the same kind of liberties or right over exclusivity, caring, attention or on belongings and definitely not on their time. They will have a different set of priorities now, like their new partner or themselves. They did break up with you for a reason, which they will seek else where. You may no longer hang out as much as before. Your friends may be confused how much to share information with each of you. Its best to chalk out clear rules. This conversation should include new privacy terms, what you both are comfortable talking about, what activities would you like to do together, what group of friends would you like to still spend time together with, make clear rules regarding your new partners, what information are you willing to share, what will you do , in case they have problem with you two staying friends.


There are a lot of relationships, that are too precious to let go. The person is so special, and you've shared so much together, just because of a few differences you can't hate them or cut them out of your lives altogether. I totally understand that. A few simple rules, communication and drawing the line helps. Some times, the ex is your ex husband, you stay in touch for the sake of your children. Again, I can't agree more, that just because the marriage didn't work, it doesn't mean that your friendship or acquaintance-ship can't. Just remember no digging up the past, the reason you broke up , for it to work, you have to let go of the negativity. Don't carry it around. That is over. Be respectful with each other, be very articulate in your communications, be firm with where you draw the lines, always be polite.


Friendship may not mean best friends forever, or that they will share everything with you, it means, you have a history together that binds you and sometimes you're the only one who will understand some aspects of them. And yet some people are just not worth the effort, the kind of people who do not appreciate you when you were with them, they won't appreciate you after either. To expect those kind of people to change and be there for you, even as a friend, is setting yourself up for further hurt. If you do chose to become friends, make sure old patterns are not repeating, patterns of using you, taking you for granted, not respecting your space and time, these are clues, this person is just being selfish.


If someone does not respond positively to your overtures of remaining friends clearly indicates, they are still holding onto the past and in a negative way. Don't try, it will just make their walls up higher against you.


Don't try to be friends, to try and squeeze in again or be there to find a weak moment to re-kindle your relationship, or be there so that they realise your importance in their life. Respect, clear communication and clear rules are the tools to build a lasting positive relationship with your ex, in the healthiest possible manner. make sure you heal yourself first, release all negativity , anger and resentments and then cheers to a beautiful new phase.




There is no reason ,the form of a relationship can't change. Like every other relationship, both have to want it, both have to work for it.I believe, relationships may change but love lingers on, its best to keep love as is, rather than change it to hate or a festering wound. It could not have been love, if it ends, if the relationship you desired didn't work out the way you wanted it to... love is love, it stays the same, find a shape, which brings both of you happiness. I do believe love is not love that changes with time, distance or change in definition. Love is eternal, love is beautiful... let love remain that a beautiful emotion, love is not a relationship. That is the biggest mis-understanding, people want love to be a relationship, its an ingredient, its an emotion...that makes any relationship possible...

Meanderings of a dissatisfied soul...

Dis-satisfaction, where does that creep in from. I follow the principles of gratitude every day. I have found my life change miraculously, by simple principles of gratitude. Gratitude makes every thing seem better, it becomes easier to love, to forgive, easier to feel compassion and live in grace. Yet there are moments, when this dis-satisfaction creeps in. Your logic tells you all is good. You look around and are grateful for everything you have. Perhaps this dis-satisfaction, comes from the innate nature of humans to keep moving forward. A constant desire for change for the better. For some it may be materialistic, hence a change in their lifestyle, for some it may be emotional, a relationship that is more fulfilling, more stable, more romantic, for some its physical, a desire for better health, stamina etc, however for me, it seems to come from a craving to learn to grow, I wish i could devour books. i want to go back to college. i do not crave another degree, but i constantly feel, there is more, more that i need to study, learn , understand. I am happy, yet, there is this nagging dis-satisfaction.

I was pondering since last night, does ego create every kind of dis-satisfaction. Is it really only ego's desire to feel special, important or best that drives us to seek betterment, no matter which aspect we might be considering. Could it be an intrinsic seed in us to ensure evolution takes place. If we all became complacent, would there be any growth, change and invention or discoveries for that matter. Certain type of people become obsessed with finding out a way for betterment, that obsession has yielded medicines, gadgets, houses, wheel to begin with. We may argue, if our lives have really improved or not , yet there has been growth. We applaud scientists and astronauts. We applaud researchers because they give time and figure out answers we all want yet don't go after with their kind of diligence.

What is it about mankind, that needs to seek. At one point life was all about new discoveries, new lands, new clothes, machines, life became a tad boring once all comforts became easily available. Is our mind like the proverbial monkey that needs a task to keep him constantly occupied. What causes this restlessness in our minds that we go chasing after elusive answers, and seeking change, why does the word boredom have a negative connotation?

Goals were in perspective a few decades back. Earning pot loads of money, gadgets made affordable for all of us, seems to have made us all a bit lost in the transit. We no longer know where we have to go, yet this urge, this instinct that wants us to keep growing and evolving , whips us constantly. People, out of frustrations start making superficial changes, their partners, work place, residence, continents even. They seek answers in religion or spirituality, yet find no inner peace...

Is seeking change or betterment in any area of life a bad thing? If in fact , it is a good thing, why are most people afraid of changes, why are we reluctant to accept the inevitable changes in our lives, lifestyles, relationships, even in our careers and bodies... More people are afraid of success than failure, because they do not know how it will change hem, the people around them and their lives. When a desire to change comes about, its like an invisible force, driving you like a master, telling you to move out of the status-quo, it goads you to move forward. Sometimes you're aware of the direction to move on in, sometimes you don't know even that. Thinking about, how the shift in your gear may affect and change your equations with people around you, confounds you. You get stuck. Your insides are telling you to move forward, make the necessary change yet, the fearful side of you, holds your rein, this leads to dis-satisfaction

A lot of people feel expectations or comparisons lead to dis-satisfaction, I disagree, I feel a conflict between your heart and mind is what leads to dis-satisfaction.How does one resolve this inner conflict, when one doesn't have time to even converse with the people he lives with, leave alone having an internal verbal thrashing session.I do feel a few minutes of meditation puts you in touch with your inner self, it will at least point you in the direction, you have to move forward in.

All I have come to realise so far, is one must leave fears behind, you must follow what your heart says, we must be grateful for what we have and yet not live in the fear of losing it. A hunger for betterment is not bad, and like the Wiccan Rede says: "An it harm none do what ye will" ( as long as what you do, harms no one, do as you wish)