The Sex Object...

A nation is outraged at the brutality suffered by a 23 year old student. She suffered not only the degrading act of gang rape, but was severely injured, brutalized and succumbed to death after fighting to stay alive for 13 days. We lit candles, we marched in protest, every one who could lay their hands on a mike, made speeches and statements. Yet, everyday, there are new reports of rapes, gang rapes, molestations, violence, acid attacks. These go un-noticed, mostly reported in small columns, some where in the news paper. The electronic media hardly ever wasting their time on these reports, or else perhaps, they would have to start a new channel, the rape daily, daily rapes, the rape channel....to give footage to each such incident.

Unfortunately, it is not just India, or the third world countries, that have rapes. Nor is it a new phenomenon . Rape has existed since eons. Women are only since the recent past , learning to fight back, take the legal way. Its another story how the justice system lets down the victims every day.

Yes, women were treated as second class citizen, across the globe. Some countries "gave" them an equal status sooner than others. Some countries are still killing female infants, trying to kill teenagers who promote female literacy, call female employees as servants, mock women protesters by calling them beauties who are dented and painted. Female teachers get murdered... the list is too long. However today, I am not writing to decry rape, I have been doing that through my writing since long. My book still awaits publishing. Today I am writing on a slightly different matter. However this prologue was essential for my topic.

Today I am wondering, which looking glass do women look at themselves? Have we been so thoroughly subjugated over the centuries that, we too look at ourselves, from the eyes of men. This is not an anti-men piece. No I love men. Men have fought with us, for us etc.I am talking purely as a woman, to other women and asking them, why did we sell ourselves short.

You know men age, they grow fat, bald, develop paunches, they gloat, marry women much younger to them, do their things, laugh at their younger days of sowing wild oats.
What do women do? we look into the mirror , highlighting every strand of grey, every crows feet, we hate our bodies. When we get middle age spread around our waists, we wallow in self pity because our bloom is fading. When menopause hits us, we cry, we mourn the loss of our youth. we get insecure, our men wont find us attractive, that we have not retained our figures.

When we are young, we want bodies the men will like. Flat stomachs, big boobs. we go through liposuction, boob jobs, botox and horror of horror now their is a new procedure in town..labiaplasty... OMG where will this end? have you heard of men going through dangerous surgeries to please our eyes? These are surgeries, what about beauty palors?

Now I am not a bra burning feminist. I love being a woman, infact I am a girlie-girl. I love my curves, long hair. I have never felt periods were a curse. The only things I am trying to bring the spot light on today is, it is not a woman's fault because she (again OMG, but I am translating one of the posts on facebook) sits close to boys on bikes, wears short clothes, makes friends with boys, eats, smokes, drinks, perhaps they should have added breathes....

I think women are at fault, because as mothers we have taught our daughter to comply. to accept we are second class citizens. Our mothers and their mothers before that, have taught us to accept our fate, we have done good karmas if we get good husbands ( good implying he doesn't beat us, burn us, asks for too much dowry) We must put up with his obnoxious behaviour. He comes home tired, we must be ready for him, it doesn't matter how tired we might be at the end of the day. We women teach men they are better than us, that they can get away with anything. Boys will be boys. A sister is to cater to her brother, younger or older. A wife should have no opinion of her own. A man grows up unable to accept women who are capable of thinking for themselves, who can have an opinion , who can have a life, can party and not be a slut and who can say NO to him.

Our mothers did not walk out of sorry marriages, and expect us not to either. But we are breaking the mould. Today an actress has defied the stereotyping of anorexic looking woman. She is voluptuous and unapologetic. We join the men in making fun of her, but seriously, we should be thanking her. Thanking her for making it ok again to have a bit of bulge, a bit of flesh so we can eat healthily again without feeling guilty.

I believe, when we have strong mothers, we will have a string society. When a mother earns and demands her respect in the family, when a teacher teaches her students to respect women, we will create a society where rapes will be a rarity. Where we wont have to protest every time for justice.

Men and women are different. Men accepted themselves long ago... the good with the bad. Women , now let us look at our-self with new lenses and teach men to look at us through those. Let us not give in to stereotyping of any kind. Let us not be apologetic any more, let us not be the enemy of our kind. And let us stop defining our-self by a hymen or how many wild oats have been sown in us. Let us truly believe and know, we are equal, we don't need to demand it, we are beautiful, we don't need to prove it, we are sexual beings, we don't need to apologise, we have our minds, rights, opinions...Lets change the looking glass....

Why did I then title this piece The Sex Object? its because, that's how men (not all) view us, treated us, objectified us (films, advertisements, certain jobs)... and so far we have concurred, we have totally agreed....

Before Forgiveness...

I am writing, exactly after one week today. I didn't write, because I was in the process of assimilating, and putting into practise, certain understanding, accumulated over the past few years. A lot is said and written and preached about forgiveness. I find the following line, the most beautiful, regarding forgiveness. "Forgiveness, is letting go of the hope, that the past was different". This sentence holds a books worth of meaning in it. Forgiveness does not mean condoning. Forgiveness doesn't mean approving what happened, Forgiveness doesn't mean becoming friends.It definitely doesn't imply what happened was okay!! It just means, letting go, of the wish, certain things didn't happen. They did happen. The only thing, you can change about it, is the hold, it has on your heart/mind. Today, I'm not going to write more on forgiveness. Forgiveness, is liberating, its beautiful, I believe true forgiveness, heals you.....

Today, I'm going to write about , the one step before forgiveness happens. This step, most people assume, everyone knows and hence, its hardly, written or spoken about. Before forgiveness can occur, at any level ( in your mind, in your heart, in reality or at the soul level where you make peace), its important, to take back the control. Take back your control. The control, that you loose, in a situation, obviously traumatic to you, no matter what others point of view might be. I mean from a freak accident, to a murdered family member,  rape, abuse from peers, family or colleagues. Physical, sexual, emotional any form of abuse or suppression. When an individual feels cheated, abused, there is a level of control that's taken away from us. We are all aware, we are never truly in control of anything in life. Yet, the rage that fills us, comes from the factor that, we were left helpless and unable to do anything in return. This feeling of helplessness leads to a rage, that in turn makes it impossible to forgive or forget. We play things over and over and over and over, in our heads, revenge plans, what you'd say, if you got the chance, how you wish a certain person would die the most horrible death, or be damned in hell. We wish we could have done something.

Here are few things I find, help in taking back, that lost energy or control to that situation. The first, as in everything, is to accept. Accept, its happened, or happening. NOTHING, can change that fact. Second, acknowledge, how it makes you feel. Third, and the one I'm writing about today, Take a stand.

Take a stand, especially, if its a long term abuse of any kind, if its verbal, physical, a spouse who has cheated on you, a right of yours that was denied, anything at all, sometimes it can be , you feel unappreciated, you feel taken for granted. The situations can vary. The level of seriousness, you will know, because, you are experiencing, the tightness in your chest, your head is repeating the scenario over and over again, you are losing sleep over it, you are the one holding back the tears and choking on them. NO ONE else should tell you, if its a big or small deal. Now you must Make a stand. If you can, talk to the person/ people around. Avoid blaming, but do express, how their behaviour has made you feel. If you don't want to talk or can't for some reason, write a letter, till you reach a draft that satisfies you. you will know, because, you will suddenly exhale, you will feel a sense of relief. Pressing charges, lodging an FIR, anything according to the legal standing of the crime, do it. You need to for your own self, stand up for your self.

Why , do I feel this step is important , before true forgiveness can occur? I feel , unless you take the control back, unless you stand up for yourself and say STOP!! ENOUGH!! you will go around, your entire life, carrying a feeling of letting yourself down, letting another get away with things. You may think, you're maintaining peace in your home, or your family, or that you're protecting someone in the bargain. The truth is, you're not protecting, the most important person in your life. YOU. Trust me, once you take back the reins, in your hands, sometimes you realise, you don't want anything, not even an apology. The discomfort in you, all this while , was due to you not standing up for yourself. Sometimes, forgiveness, takes place automatically. Sometimes, the fight is longer, equations change. People who expected and demanded your subservience and acquiescence for granted, hate feeling challenged. Do you remember , how good it felt, to stand up to the school bully, even though, you lost the fight, how he never dared to bully you again. You remember, how sweet the pain from those injuries were, where as the previous ones were plain humiliating.

The standing up step, is only for you. Do not expect, the other person to understand. If they do, its an added bonus, if they don't, well they didn't earlier either. What has happened though, you broke the shackles, you walked away free. You cut the hold of those memories. You took back, your power, your energy, your control, back in your hands.

True forgiveness can only happen, when you stop letting the past hurt you. And for your sake, I hope, you will speak up. You will Stand up for your self. You will move past the fears that stop you from doing it so far. I only write, what I've put to practise, so I can tell you from experience, It liberates. Sometimes, it changes things for ever, sometimes demolishes certain exteriors,certain dynamics, yet , it give you back, something very precious..... your self respect, your self esteem....

Unshed tears...of men

"Take it like a man", "Stop whining like a girl", "Men don't cry", the scales of gender-ism has tipped the other way. Today, in a lot of countries, women have a lot going for them. We have laws protecting us. There are support groups. We are still fighting our battles, for equality, for our rights, in certain countries ,to drive cars or wear trousers. The whole group of women , support these fights. A lot of men support our causes too. It was the keen interest certain men took, in the women causes, that have abolished a lot of systems like "Sati", in India. We now, at least on paper ,have laws to protect us from dowry harassment.... What about our men?

Boys and men, across the globe, are victims of abuse too. They suffer physical abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. I have come across, real , live cases of men who have suffered these abuses, not as isolated incidents, but for years together. I know of boys raped repeatedly by other boys, molested by women, faced physical abuse at the hands of their parents and sometimes at the hands of their spouse. I know of men who have " felt raped ", by their spouse.  A woman, if she gets raped, has a support system, goes to the police, she has a legal system to support her, the media supports her, activists fights for her. She has counsellors and psychiatrists trained to help her over come the ordeal. The journey is long, traumatic, humiliating and horrifying to say the least. Yet, thanks to the changing times, a ray of light is there, Now imagine a boy, he is not raped by one person, once or twice, not for a month, he is raped repeatedly, by several people for years.....

He cannot go to his father, he will be disgusted, he will tell him to fight back like a man. His mother ,may sympathise, but not understand, he would be mocked to death if he went to the police, his shame would be far greater, if the media go a whiff of his ordeal. In the court of law, how is he supposed to convince the people there of his ordeal. In cases where young boys have been victims of older women, how is he  supposed to prove , he didn't want it. His own body betrayed him. He didn't know what he was been asked to do.Who is protecting our boys.....?

These boys, bury this horror, in a vault , bury it so deep, that no one can reach that space. He knows, he has to act like a man, act as though everything is normal. He must not appear weak, or shed tears. If crime thrillers of America , is anything to go by, every serial killer, psychopath or sociopath, all are victims of abuse in their childhood. If there is, even one grain of truth in this, why is our society , turning a blind eye to large issue. Why does no one acknowledge the elephant in the room. A girl, who is raped, is repeatedly told, "it
was not your fault", a boy who even comes back beaten up, is first told, " you must have got into the fight.A man , does not support, sympathies or even lend a ear to another man who has been abused. He looks down upon, his own brother, who is weaker by certain parameters. A man has more sympathy for a women fallen on bad days, but none of his own kind. Who is a boy supposed to turn to? He is mocked as being a "pansy", a "wimp", for not being "man enough".

I am against gender discrimination. I also believe every person you meet, is fighting some battle, I know each person must fight his/her own battles. I do not understand, why men must suffer silently. I do not understand why the very men, who have been our fathers, brothers, uncles, best friends, lovers , husbands and son, do not have our support. Why do we think, they can fend for themselves, alone. Why do we deny them the right to cry or to say I'm tired. 

I do believe, I'm very lucky, to be born at a time, when , its a woman's world. It is my choice, if I want to work or not, Its my choice, if my want to take on my husband's surname, Its my choice, if I want to cook everyday or not. I can drink if I choose to, I can ask a man to help me with my luggage if need be. I can be the boss at my workplace, I can tell my lover, how to please me. I feel, its unfair though, a man today has to be sensitive enough to understand the mood swings of the women in his life. He has to be considerate enough to help in the household chores. He has to be  strong enough to lift luggage. He has no choice however , if he wants to have a career or not. He is not offered the option of becoming a "house-husband". He is not given the benefit of doubt. He has no right to complain, or get tired, or cry. He is never a victim of any abuse........

Man, I have loved you, since you were Adam and I was Eve. We have journeyed together for centuries. There was a time, when you protected me, provided for me, gave me a name, a roof over my head, you protected my honorI shed my shackles, I've set my self free, you are still chained by your warrior garb, your strength....break free....