Life comes a full circle...

My relationship with food goes a long way. From devouring the goodies my mom cooked ( she is brilliant honest to God!!) to gorging on kakori and galuti kababs during my college days in Lucknow. Then when I got married I tried using the maxim "the way into a man's heart is through his stomach"... I bought recipe books, poured over them, sat on the internet and downloaded them by scores, experimented everyday , my ex- husband even remarked once "I wonder how long your enthusiasm will last "

I have realised over the years, my cooking patterns reveal more about the zone I'm in more than my journals do. When I became a mother I was obssesed with portions and nutrients and time , freezing food. When I had to re- start in life from scrath I did not even have kitchen utensils and I stopped cooking altogether. Still on festivals i would try to makes at least something specials for the couple of friends who weathered the storms with me.

Today , a family sunday after years, I cooked something really simple what I call garlic potato casserole that is not much but boiled baby potatoes, cheddar cheese , onions and garlic cooked in butter served with baked beans. This dish speaks a lot to me about how comforting having a family ( my husband and son ) on a sunday afternoon is. The love that goes into creating a simple dish that fills the house with mouth watering aromas. There is no need to be pretentious, or to impress, there was this sense of good wholesome flavor soaked food that cries for a siesta after consumption.

My journey from the south indian cuisine to know bracing myself up to cook bengali macher jhol bhat ( curry fish with rice) is just as mouth watering, just as rich, just as filling as only a good home made food can be....

Here we go again...

I'm supposed to write, express in lucid form my thoughts and feelings. I feel incapable of that right now. Yes I'm supposed to be a writer, but to talk is easier, you know when to reiterate a point, or simplify another, to write is like talking to a wall. However my spiritual journey has been fast moving, so rapid almost a blur sometimes. everyday brings with it new lessons, learnings, reminders, everyday there is a moment atleast that is worthy of a few words dedicated to it.

There is a gap of ten years between when my first marriage happened and now my second one.These two are very major mile stones of my life. The ten years in between was a lovely curvy journey as long walks in the mountains are. you look at the beauty and marvel at it, then your focus shifts to the stony, steep narrow path you have to cross, your calves aches from the uphill climb and yet the view from the top makes it worth every huff and pant.

The moment of today worth pondering about is how our ego propels us to be seen, to be heard, for a recognition no matter how small. The ego thrives on creating chaos, using every tool in its box to force you to pay attention to it. I want to matter, it screams, not unlike a petulant child. The more you walk the spiritual path , the less the turmoil in you becomes, yet the ego springs up at the most unlikely of times look at me, give me credit, praise what I've done, I want acknowledgment..... it matters not if its a dish you have cooked or a painting, it wants claps and pats. it does not feel satiated after that, it wants something bigger, it pushes tasks onto the mind, using every weakness of the heart as the thrust to make one work towards the latest goal. The goal is always bigger than the last, the praise matters less and less with every achievement. it comes to a point where it wants to own the earth and heaven and all that's between.....

All self help books, religious texts will tell you to do away with this rascal ego, no one however sheds light on how to do it. Renouncing the world is not for everyone. And Ego is essential for us to exist. So how does one find that fine balance?

As with most things there are two paths.... today lets talk about over indulgences. One method to give up alcohol or nicotine is to go  over board, consume so much of it that a repulsion sets in. you may wonder if that is possible for the ego yes it!!! everyday when you ask your spouse to praise and appreciate every little thing you do, request your friends to do it too. It may take longer if it becomes a mutual admiration club but still to understanding sake lets say for six months your spouse every evening sits you down and lists out everything you've done , praises you. Soon a repetition will set in. how many different things can you do in a routine 24 hours ??? initially the ego feels pleased and gloats even, later  an uneasiness sets in, you begin to ask your self, really, was it that significant? do I deserve this praise, then comes a point of de-sensitization. beyond this point the ego may raise its head from time to time, as it necessarily should, use this moment with full awareness and never again will you be the puppet in the hands of your ego...