Sunday, 27 May 2012

Would you like to contribute to my book?

Dear Readers,
I need your help for a self help book I'm writing for people going through broken relationships and aching hearts. If you have gone through a rough relationship that left you shattered, please go through this questionnaire and email me in detail.

I………………………………………………………………………….., hereby give permission to Nikeeta Bhargava to use all or part of my interview , for her currently titled book “ Broken Hearts Anonymous”. I have understood hereby, that , incidents from my life are going to be used for anecdotal purposes’.
I am ok with my real name being used
I wish to be quoted under anonymity
This permission is for all editions of the book that may be published; they may be used for promotional purposes or as excerpts from the book in any medium by the author.
The author has agreed to inform me, if all or any part of my interview will be utilized in her book at the time of publication.
I am aware this interview is being recorded.
This interview is completely out of my choice, voluntary and pro-bono.


1.       Name
2.       Current Age
3.       Maritial Status
4.       Relationship Status
5.       Please tell in detail the story of your relationship
6.       Age at time of relationship
7.       How long did the relationship last
8.       What makes this relationship so significant in your life/difficult to replace
9.       Reason why the relationship did not work out
10.   Who broke up the relationship
11.   How did you deal with the initial stage of being single again
12.   Did you hold onto the hope that the person will come back to you?
13.   How long did you hold onto that hope?
14.   Did you go through a period of grieving/depression/loneliness
15.   How did you deal with this phase
16.   How long did it last
17.   Did you have external support
18.   Was your family in favour of your relationship
19.   Were they aware of your break up
20.   Did you go through an angry phase
21.   How did you deal with your anger?
22.   Did you get into any re-bound relationships?
23.   Did you develop any fear or aversion to intimate relationship or commitment?
24.   Did the break up change your perception about yourself
25.   Did you lose your confidence/ self esteem/ security etc
26.   What was the best part of that relationship
27.   What was the  worst part of your relationship
28.   In hind sight what do you feel about the relationship
29.   Do you feel , you are completely over that person?
30.   How do you/would you react if you came face to face with that individual now?
31.   Did you blame God/destiny/someone else for not being together any more?

32.   What fairy tale/story/film do you identify most similar to your story

Please mail me at

I appreciate your inputs and help

God Bless

Feminist of the reversed kind

Being a Woman in today's time, is a bitter sweet experience. I love being a woman. I have never felt at a disadvantage being a girl in a small town.In fact there are times when I'm plain grateful for being a girl. What makes this experience bitter sweet today then? You see I'm a feminist of the reverse order.

The things i loved about being a woman was the choices I had.Unlike men, there was no compulsion on me to work, unless I wanted to. I did not feel guilty for being unemployed, because I chose to be a full time mother post my divorce. I had the freedom to chose a career which had no grantee or security. My subject of expertise Metaphysics was something most men would scoff at. Being a woman helped me to easily be in rhythm with the moon and other energies.

On the other hand, at a superficial level, I like having the female form. I find it beautiful. Most of my paintings eulogize the various female bodies. I loved my chubby avtar when I was pregnant, the one year post my pregnancy, I continued being voluptuous. I naturally have a thin body with curves ( yes its possible) and I reveled in my rounder and fuller curves.

Today, women are hell bent on proving themselves. Women from my generation and before that for some reason want to prove they are better than men. They want financial independence, which is a good thing but they are fast forgetting the pleasures of co-dependencies.I loved the fact that my husband earns and I play the role of a nurturer. I love being at home to welcome my son and serve him fresh warm food, I love the smile that comes on my face when my husband comes home from work and the tickle I feel when he hands over his salary to me. I am secure in the knowledge of my worth. I don't need to prove I'm talented, that I can earn, I am all of that. I don't need to wear skimpy clothes to reassure myself I'm sexy, I know I am.

I was so taken aback when a famous actress was flaked left right and center for not shedding her postpartum fat. Here is a woman who did the right things at the right time. SHe had aa successful career, married a man who loves her and now she wants to be a full time mother. SHe did not stop breast feeding her child for the sake of her figure, nor did she shove her baby into the arms of a nanny rushing of the surgen's table or the gym to get her figure back. What people seem to forget is, it takes 9 months for the completion of a pregnancy and one whole year, around the time the child starts weaning off naturally to start getting your body back.

The cause of the fat are several, our body stores fat in order to convert into milk for the baby. lack of sleep which is natural due to frequent feeds and changing of diapers also increase fat increase in the body.

Most women these days chose not to have babies or delay it, for the sake of their careers. Even after they have children, they quickly wean them off and rush back to work for the sake of their ambitions.Even men have started demanding their wives to have careers. i find it very disturbing. Not only is the yin and yang in the woman going hay wire, the yin and yang of the whole planet is beginning to suffer. To have a child or not is a personal choice but once you decide to have a child it is a life long commitment.

Today, a lot of us are going through break up, there is so much heart ache. I again feel this is happening because, in the name of liberation women are opening up to casual sex from a very young age. Men have stopped looking at us with respect . Men no longer need to be committed because there is free sex every where. When you're in a relationship, sex is a beautiful and natural outcome of it. Sometimes relationships just don't work out. However, the break up should not be because no one wanted to make the effort of making it work.

Do I feel it is the onus of the woman to make a relationship work? Definitely not. It is the choice and responsibility of both the individuals. All I'm saying is, women should be a little careful ,how they use their freedom. Being a feminist should not translate into becoming a man. It should mean loving being a woman which includes child rearing, sensitivity, nurturing. I am and I emphasize I am not endorsing any MCP viewpoints here. I am not saying all women should stay at home and have no goals. I am not saying women should stay silent and suffer fools, abuse or any wrong doing. I am saying stop trying to become a man.

We have a lot in us, by the virtue of being women. We bring beauty, romance, knowledge to the world. We raise our sons and daughters to become what kind of future we want to have. We are empowered , and for that we need not look like match sticks, dress up like men, cuss like them. We of the two genders have more variety of choices, so make the smart ones. Honor your body, honor your inner goddess, your inner and outer beauty. Use your power to create a better world. Enjoy every role you play of a lover, a friend, a wife, a mother and a daughter.

I love being a woman and I enjoy all the perks I get from being one. I'm sure one day mother's in India will also have the option of part time jobs and we will have the best of everything, in the meantime, I am content writing from home. I know I don't need to prove anything to anybody. I'm amazing and that's why God made me a woman to begin with.....

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Are you sabotaging your relationships?

This blog is long over due, I've been meaning to write it along with my other relationship based blogs, but somehow, it always seemed to take a back seat.  A lot of times, we are in repetitive relationships, with similar dramas unfolding time after time. We do get into relationships with certain expectations and yet somewhere we are to blame for a failed relationship. We are the ones who unconsciously jeopardize and sabotage our own relationships. There are a few phrases I'll be using so let me first explain them.
These profiles may seem to describe you or your partner, however, it doesn't not imply a bad relationship. These are merely broad strokes for very difficult relationships where the balance is missing.

The settler : This person, usually have a superiority complex, yet underneath the surface, they have extremely fragmented personalities and deep rooted fears. These fears generally become focused on commitment phobia,perfectionism, too much emphasis on organization, planning, discipline, achievements and if they have one on their careers. The reason I call them settlers, is because they almost always are found in relationships with people, they believe they have "settled for". Their egos tell them they deserved better, yet because of their deep rooted fears, they never actually manifest a relationship with someone who is an equal. Since they have a deep rooted need to be in control, they always build a relationship with someone they perceive as "lesser" than them, it could be in looks, monetary status or popularity. This type of personality may also manifest in  savior type of personality. They stay with you, as long as you are in deep shit. The moment you start over coming your problems and sort yourself out, they bail on you. They love to feed on the fact , that you "need" them.

The Reacher: To play a perfect match with the settlers are the personalities I call "the reachers". They are aware of their failings , yet, they usually make unreachable goals, with an ideal romantic partner in their heads, that will never come true, or get into a relationship with a settler to gain a kind of approval that they are "good enough". The reachers, however, seldom show lack of confidence. The settlers in fact are drawn to them, because of their apparent self worth, which the settlers wish they could have. The reachers over the years develop techniques to make them appear charming, funny or a great listener. Their inner most fear is to be rejected once their failings become apparent.

The Needy: As the name suggests, these personalities, uses their constant weakness as a hook to keep their relationships going. They act helpless,lost and hapless in most situations. The "Needy" personality feeds the ego of any one who needs constant approval and appreciation, they don't mind being chided or even been subversive towards their spouse. It seems they thrive on not knowing anything about anything. They beam as they tell you, how all they major decisions and other matters such as plumbing etc are taken care of by the people they are in a relationship with you. In males you can call them Peter Pans.

The Players: These are people terrified of responsibilities, answerabilty and commitments of any form. You will find they seldom have a desk, or corporate job. They only have flings or affairs, yet they chose only very emotionally vulnerable people to have these briefs "relationships" with. They cover their traumas with a megalomaniac persona, they love the drama and theatrics of wooing, the chase and the seduction. They have no understanding of the mechanics of a long term relationships and are callous to the feelings and needs of others. They appear to like babies, they sleep, eat, have sex and play only as and when they feel like it.

The Sexy: Their story is, they portray, "my face/body" is my fortune. They love the perks of being attractive, yet deep down, they want to be seen as much more than their body or face. They have become lazy to work for something deep and yet feel dejected when someone wants a shallow relationship with them.

There are several more such categories, however, the thing to note here is, they are all dysfunctional. They ll of deep rooted fears, insecurities and phobias. There are generally traumas from childhood that have triggered these traits in them. One thing in common with all of them, no matter what role they chose to play or what their drama script is, they all will do just about anything to maintain the control in their life. They like predictability in their relationships. Even the victims or the needy, maintains control, by knowing exactly how something will play out.

Now coming to the topic, so how do we sabotage our relationships. If asked, almost everyone reading this will say, they want a happy, mutual, nurturing relationship. So what goes wrong? We sabotage our relationships, they exact same way ,how we get into them. If you're a settler, the very reason you "settled" starts to irk you. You find a fault with everything the spouse does or doesn't do. You always want more. You want your partner to become worthy of you, and nothing is good enough.

A reacher will spend most of his/her life looking for someone who is much above his/her reach. This ends up in facing rejection after rejection, their self esteem falls lower and they end up trying even harder. They set the bar so high that either they end up alone, become a settler or worse get involved with a settler. In all the scenarios, they have sabotaged their relationship, the very day they started it.

The needy, who made the partner feel so good initially , starts making them feel like a handy man or a governess and that leads to conflicts.

The players obviously play, break hearts and skip to the next person, ending up alone or maintaining a facade of a relationship as age slows down their game.

To be in a wholesome relationship, their is one thing you need first, to be whole from inside. One needs to understand from the patterns what the problem might be. Check your premise for fear of being good enough, am I worthy, commitment, trust, responsibility. The only way to over come fears is to face them head on. To not quit, when the situation becomes exactly what you feared and continue as though it isn't there. Here is a mantra, in the thick of the script that keeps repeating, keep chanting in your head " Detach from the drama", keep breathing and keep chanting. You will be able to see like a fly on the wall, what is the core of an issue. The arguments are seldom the real issues. Its generally the opposite of the words being said.
"You don't love me" generally translates into tell me you love me and this issue is trivial for you.
"You do as I say" translates into I'm so afraid of all the changes I need to maintain control or I'll scurry back to my safety net ( my single status)
If you pay attention , really closely,  words, phrases are constantly repeated. They give you a clue, to what the inner drama you are a part of.

We sabotage our relationships, out of one fear, failing. It may have many branches and story line. The base line is, we do not want to fail. If we do not get what we want, its best we bail and go back to the  safety of our solitary. We justify our actions by validating our prejudices. The thing to remember here is , the other person did exactly what they've been doing all along, the very reason we got together with them in the first place. No ones true nature can change. What we can change is our levels of acceptance. We can heal our own traumas, face our own fears. We need to understand our needs before we can pass judgements on the failings of others. No person is perfect, not in looks, nature, wealth, health or any other way. Our spouse, is not a validation or reflection of our success or failure. When we stop looking to get validation from the society, our parents or family via our spouse and learn to accept them, we will be able to stop playing games and actually focus on making our relationship work. When we sabotage our relationships, we are only validating one thing, our deepest fears. We may project them on the people we have been with so far, she was too clingy, too demanding, too controlling, too needy, too angry, too fat, too thin, too lazy, too busy, too dark, too fair, it only reflects a void within us. A void within you, that was filled by their weakness. Acceptance helps you, see them in a wholesome light. It helps you and them to work together, in a co-dependent manner in making weakness into strengths.

It does not matter, if you're playing a role. What matters is becoming a victim to the games we play. Balance comes about only with acceptance. Acceptance of self and the other and a deep understanding of our need for the games we are playing.....

Friday, 4 May 2012

Forever Love....

I wrote a poem after a very long time, I used to write in English when I was in school....Hope you enjoy it....

Forever Love

I think of you everyday
not a moment passes by
without a thought of you
lingering in my heart
A day will come
my breath with stop
with the pain
wondering if you will
ever be by my side
there was a time
you couldn't stay away
 Your heart and mind
pull you apart
but I know
the love is there
I saw it in your eyes....

My love for you
will not fade away
So I'll just wait
for you to say
All that is in your heart

A day will come
We’ll be one again
And never again
will the two of us be apart
our heart as one
as long ago
this is a forever love
and I know you  know
coz I've seen it in your heart.....

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Learning to draw boundaries

Finally, with my Internet working, I'm here writing. This week, I learnt a very important lesson. A lesson, life has been trying to teach me since childhood. Standing up for what I believe is right.

You see, in all my relationships, existing and exes, there is a pattern I followed. I never made clear boundaries. I allowed people to push me into corners and do as they please.I wanted to be peaceful, and so I hardly ever put my foot down, till things got really out of hand. I thought, if I continued being nice ( submissive), these people would somehow like me and if they like me, they will care about my feelings.This never happened, on the contrary, I carried feelings of being unjustly treated. Thankfully, the path I've been walking, helps me and helps me help others. Being aware of patterns and how to get out of them, has enabled me to clear out a lot of clutter and baggage from my life. What it also did, was make me realise, the past does not blow away. If there are unresolved things there, it just come right back at you, till you, do, what it is you're meant to do, as in my case, it was learning to draw boundaries and making people understand, I mean it when I say NO. The middle ground between being aggressive and passive is Polite assertiveness.This is how I finally I'm in the middle of learning Polite Assertiveness....

Now then, this situation would be easier for me to write about, if I only wrote it from my point of view, the problem is I can't. In this situation, everyone is, from their perspective , in the right. Let me start from the very beginning. My ex husband and I haven't seen eye to eye on a lot of issues. We did however agree on one thing, the happiness of our son is paramount. I felt, it was important for us to stay on friendly terms in spite of our divorce for the sake of our son. I felt, we need to stay in touch either over the phone or via email, so as to be on the same page about his upbringing.I thought, its important both parents say the same guidelines to the child, to minimise confusion.Implement the same rules.  He however ,thought, I was no longer in the picture.

I have the full custody of my son, and my ex husband has been out of the country for over a year and a half. While he was here, much though , it was uncomfortable for me, I sent my sent over to his place every weekend, so that their bond does not suffer.After he left the country, I continued to send my son, to visit his grandparents every weekend. I did this, despite my loneliness, my empty weekend. i wanted my son to experience the unconditional love only grand parents can give. I have missed out on that love, having never seen any of my grand parents. I thought I was doing the right thing. They are wonderful to him. My next blog "A letter to grandparents" ,will shed more light on this aspect.

Coming back to my ex husband. The more submissive I became, during the proceedings of the divorce and after that, somehow made him feel, he can bully me into complying every time.He forgot, it was my prerogative, who can meet my son. He forgot that, I was working very hard, on raising a well disciplined son, and that takes a lot of firmness. I was the one left to deal with all the growing up angst and questions my son had. i tried to always give him a correct picture of the situations. He by the grace of God, is a well settled child.

His relationship with his father became a couple of hours a week over skype. I was not privy to what happened during these conversations , as he spoke only when my son was at his parents house. All my attempts to be involved were treated with high-handedness and ignored. Now, my ex-husband, before moving out of this country, got re-married. I was happy for him. His wife seemed highly educated and having worked with children, knew how to placate them. She however has heard only one side of the story. The version of my ex husband. She followed suit and started treating me like an invisible entity, she had to put up with. In my presence, she would pull aside my son, ignoring me. Without going into further details, let it suffice to say, she crossed her boundaries with me. She forgot to respect the fact that I was the mother, and invaded a place that was not hers. Now my son, is at a very impressionable age. Any one who treats him with leniency becomes his best friend. Expensive gifts, giving in to his tantrums, ignoring the time table I've st for his healthy well being, when ignored, makes him feel powerful.He started learning, its ok to ignore the rules set by mom. Its ok to insist someone sleep with him, not eat food on time or even flout the rule of studying/reading for an hour every day. See leniency makes you popular, but, it also weakens the child's foundations. He slowly turns against the mother, who he perceives as the "bad cop".

My ex husband's wife came to India this week. I said NO, I do not want my son to spend so much, un- supervised time with her. She takes no permissions from me, about what' ok with me via-a-vis my son's upbringing. She needs to first let me get to know her. Make her understand just a very few of my thoughts on child raising . ( she is no yet a mother herself, so perhaps does not understand, worrying comes with my job description). i would have appreciated an effort on her part to join hands with me in becoming one of the care givers to my son. Yet my ex husband and she just took it as their right to push me aside and do just as they pleased with my son. The break down of the communication, because they assumed I had no role to play, just as long he was with them was not acceptable to me. When I said NO, its my right , to decide who meets or doesn't meet my son, a huge furor happened. My son was led to believe i do not like the lady in question. i don't even know her, how can I like or dislike her. My whole problem was I don't know her, how can I trust my son with her, for long periods of time. After all wasn't she behind my son's brain wash about living abroad and going to school there?

I learnt something very important this week. Had I not cowered before, has I not let go of my rights so easily during my marriage and during the divorce, he would not have taken me so lightly. Had I insisted right from the start, that I be updated on what they were doing together, what they spoke about or that they needed my permission before taking my son to visit outside people, I might not have had to fight to hard, to say a simple NO. had I insisted, that my ex husband needs to let me interact and get to know his new wife, things would not have got so much out of hand.

Raising, a child is no easy feat. Every day is filled with challenges, sacrifices, added responsibilities. If the people involved in raising the child, no matter how sporadically do not learn to respect the boundaries of each other and the primary care giver, there will be a breakdown. I am back to square one trying to make my son, understand NO, to understand, he needs to sleep alone, to do his hand writing and math practise everyday, if he wants to continue being an A grader. I've had to explain to him why he has to respect mom, even though his father doesn't and his grandparents don't adhere to time tables.I'm having to work all over again to make him stop using tears to get his way every time he wants out of some thing....I just hope, who ever is reading this, whatever your situation may be. Regarding an existing relationship with parents, spouse, children boss or colleagues, the earlier you draw you boundaries, no matter how hard it is for you, the lesser mess there will be later. You're responsible for being treated callously or like a door mat. It upto to you to make your limits clear.Its totally up to you what you're ok and not ok with. Just like you've learnt to live with the idiosyncrasy of other, so they with learn to live with yours....