Friday, 27 January 2012

I will never get married ( to you).....

Men and Women, Boys and Girls....are all confused. In earlier times, the initial rush of pheromones was equated to love. The man wooed the woman who made his heart beat faster. She refused to give in unless there was an engagement or wedding ring on her finger. They learnt to work on their compatibility issues. They fear social boycott and stigma, in case of child before wed-lock, living together in sin, divorce or any behaviour that was not morally sanctioned by the society.

Today, people want to sample, they want to try out a vast variety, they do not want to work on compatibility or keeping the spice up and the temperatures soaring. They want it all, and they want it on a platter. Both parties are confused because no one ,knows any more , how serious the other party is. A lot of hearts are getting broken in the process. There is no fear of consequences, except perhaps alimony. There is no social condemnation. Boys especially are explained away as "Boys will be boys" . Everyone is looking out for themselves. We all want what the other has, so what if we have to snatch, seduce, lure or trap. People are losing faith in love and the institution of marriage and we all are equally to blame.

I have a few pointers here...if you hear these from your boyfriend/ girlfriend, take the nearest exit and go the opposite direction as fast as your two little legs can carry you.In the brackets is what they are actually trying to say to you....
When they say.... I never want to get married... ( the complete sentence is... to you)
I am not ready for commitment ( I'm too busy sampling and having fun)
I haven't thought about it ( I just want to see how far I can get with you, before I have to start answering questions).
I love you, but I'm not in love with you ( I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too, but I'll drop you like a hot potato when someone fancier comes along)
If after 6 months of being together, you have to still ask, what is the status of your relationship, just do your self a favour, don't ask, move on.....

To make matters more clear. Just imagine, a candy shop, all kinds of colourful candies, hard candies, chewy candies ,chocolates,lollies..... all kinds of flavors, shapes, colours and sizes .... now a child comes in. One child may know his favourite brand, he will go and buy it and be happy. Another child will come in and go crazy, he has no clue what he wants, he wants to sample all of them, he will not spend time on one to see if he likes it, he moves from one to another and the next day comes back to do the same. A third child comes in, his favourite brand is out of stock, so he makes do with the next best. if there are free samples being given, all of them will try it.

What I'm saying is, if a person is like the third child, he maybe with you, but he knows you're not his favourite brand, he will use, any or all of the lines I've mentioned above. The truth is, you're not the brand, he will have for the rest of his life. You're fine, till that brand arrives. These people, try to wash their hands off by saying "I never promised I'll marry you, I made it clear, there was no commitment", they act hesitant to introduce you to their friends and family. If they are out with you and another member of your sex passes them by, their body language shifts away from you, they won't hold your hands or hug you in public, they will try to have a miserable or bored expression on their face, as though they just hate being with you. They may even openly flirt with others in your presence. Do your self a favour, just move on.

You will not become their favourite flavor no matter how long you wait, no matter what you do. You will just end up feeling low in your self esteem, go through pain and suffering, you will turn bitter towards love in general. Six months is a good enough time, for someone to make up their minds, the rest is details that need o be worked on. If someones behaviour , words, actions, don't let you know you mean something to them, well then you don't, mean something to them. If you need to ask, fight for it or demand it, its just not there. If you ever ask, "what do you want ?" and their reply is "It's your call" what they are saying is "call it off"....don't prolong your suspense, its best to leave.

Sometimes you have to move out the clutter to make space for other new and better things. Just because you're hung up on someone doesn't mean, they are hung up on you too. If they were, you would know it,you would feel it.... Don't fall into the honey trap of words, learn to read between them, read the pauses after the phrase has been said. All the signs are there. You will save yourself a great deal of heart ache and bitterness, if you do move on faster than later. Avoid getting into role playing. You never need to be the victim. The power is in your hand. Don't allow your ego to fool your heart by telling you to hold on a bit more, try a little harder. Life does not end, if one relationship does not work out. If its commitment you're looking for, spell it out right from the beginning. No person is perfect, but most times, two imperfect people, make a perfect match. Som
( read more on my blogs : In search of love, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be alone 2, Broken Hearts Anonymous, I want him back )

I need Help!!!

I need Help.... the shortest phrases in the world are most difficult to say. Its difficult to say No, to say I'm sorry, and I have found, most of us, no matter what the circumstances maybe like, just find it too damn hard to say....I NEED help....Not only is asking for help hard, but, if someone comes to us and offer us help, we can never bring our-self to say, Yes, thank-you. Our "pride", just doesn't allow us, to accept, we in fact are in a vulnerable situation, our burden could be taken  care of, if we could just accept help.

Before, I go on to explain why it is so difficult and how we must ask for help, I would rather, go to another aspect of help. The person, with all good intention of helping, more often than not, ends up not helping. Here is why. People, who love to help others, are usually doing it, to feel needed. They end up helping not for the sake of the other person, but to feel good that they are helping. What this leads to is, they don't listen, and, they don't ask. To genuinely help someone, you first need to know and understand, what exactly do they need, and are you capable of giving it. For example, when I became a new mother and my wounds had not healed, the help I was looking for was for things like cleaning the carpets or washing the dishes. These were strenuous exercises, which I did not feel up to physically, having lost a lot of blood and my stitches not healing as fast as they should. I was in the hospital for ten days due to this and my house was a mess. Being a new mom, I was extremely protective and possessive of my baby, as all new mothers ,who have been isolated during their pregnancy will understand. The people around, me insisted on taking my baby from me, thinking they were helping me by holding him, as I could then do the house work. I wish, they would have asked, what I would have liked , rather than impose upon me, what they thought was help.

A person who wants to help, has to first put aside, his ego's pleasure of being needed. They need to ask how may I help and then listen. Sometimes, all the help one wants, is a hearing ear. Sometimes, the help required is as simple as taking the dog for a walk, sometimes, its as complicated as loaning money. Its alright to say NO, if , the help is something you can't give. You may not have the money to give or you may be afraid of dogs. Its better to say No, in the first place, than find excuses later. That leads to feeling of being let down.

Now coming back to asking for help. I have learnt, it the hard way, it alright to ask for help. For the longest time, my finances were all over, or should I say all under the place....yet, I could not bring myself to ask any one for help. I just couldn't. Any time a friends would ask, if I needed something, my heart would tell me, talk, ask, yet a sense of shame would over come me.i would feel small. I felt like I had failed. I felt, as an adult, I should be able to take care of my affairs, financial, emotional, whatever. I seriously needed to be bailed out, yet I couldn't bring myself to say yes. I would want someone to come and just hand me a wad of money, without me asking.... I had to eat the humble pie, or so I thought at that point, when I just couldn't make it on my own. I had to ask my dad to support me. With no alimony, my child with me, no job, there was no way i could break out of my mess.It was a great learning experience for me. Two friends of mine, one cousin and my childhood friend, also pitched in a couple of times. I will never forget how overwhelmed i felt with pure gratitude. I over came, my ego, that told me, I needed to be self reliant at every moment of my life.

I learnt, we all need to fight out own battles, yet its okay, to request for back up. Its okay and not to be taken personally if someone turns down your request for help. You never know what battle they are in the midst of. Seeking help from a professional, is never a sign of weakness, it does not indicate you can't cope with your problems, it means, you need a certain clarity, which you're not able to get, since you're in the middle of the storm, you get an outsider' perspective.

If you're the one, seeking help, just try not to get addicted, or use help as an easy way out, As a helper, try to keep in mind, to keep out the well meaning lectures  , it just makes the other person feel smaller than he/she already is. Both parties must makes the rules very clear, in case of loaning a place to stay or money etc. Be very clear, how far you are willing to go, for how long. Set your boundaries from the word go. You don't need to become a victim yourself, in order to help someone.For those getting help, please ask, how you can repay. Its called energy exchange. Perhaps, you have some talent that could benefit the other person. Both need to remember , to remain humble. The roles can change any time in life. Gratitude and grace are the emotions required in both parties. Gratitude, you are in a position to help someone, gratitude that the universe has someone to help you. Grace, comes from a place of humility, and the knowing-ness

Sure, asking for help may be difficult. You may think, it means you're incapable, you may feel you will be in the favour of that someone, you may feel shame or guilt. Remember, we all are human. We all go through the ups and downs in life. Not money,power, health, happiness stays the same for anyone, all the time. We've all been there. Trust the universe to bring you the perfect person, or opportunity to help you out, ask for it and when its offered, say yes, thank you.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

I WANT him BACK....!!!

Have you heard a man or a woman say I want her/him back. has it made you wonder, why on earth would an otherwise sane person say this line. Why does a person want to continue with another person, even long after, that person has made it loud and clear, they want out. In spite of lies, cheating, betrayal, abuse, constant fighting to the extreme limit, why someone wants him/her back? There is a saying in Hindi, "come ox, and hit me" ( as in bull fighting). There are times when an outsider looks at a failing relationship and thinks, he/ she should be glad, its finally over, why would they want to live with such a person any way. Some well-wishers, friends or family even tell them," he/she is not worth it, you deserve someone much better", but it seems, the needle of their record player is stuck on.."I want him/her back!"

Love, is the highest form of energy in the universe. Love, when it enters your life, makes you a better person. Unconditional love, is the only true healing power there is in the universe. People operating from lower energies are focused not on love. They are focused on " I". This I begin with this makes me feel good. This is What "I" like, other lower energies, such as possessiveness, jealousy, insecurity, fears, doubts, anger coagulate with this "I" . These lower energies are the doorkeepers of our ego. They prevent true love from entering our hearts, our relationships and our lives.It is this "I", that feels hurt, when the object of "our" love & desire leave us for some reason. It is this "I" that screams "I want him back". I have done so much for you, I have put up with so much, I love you so much, you will never find another person to love you like "I" do....

The I or the ego, is what wants the person back. It is the ego that makes you feel, he/she is choosing someone else over you. This makes your ego feel small and rejected. The sense of ownership is created again by this ego. This is my girlfriend/boyfriend. No one else owns him.His love and sex is mine. You do not own any body. People move on for several reasons. If you did not define your self worth by the parameter who is with you, you wouldn't feel small, worthless, undeserving or unattractive if someone left. Wealth, status, power or relationships are not parameters of how good you are. Your self worth comes from within. Your ego, fools you into believing , these are what define, how good or bad you are, its the reverse. Work on yourself, love and accept yourself unconditionally and the rest will come on its own accord.

Love, not only in a romantic sense, but love what you do, your work, everyone around you, without expectations that feed your ego. Once you start operating from the frequency of pure love, and no other reason, forgiveness, grace, compassion will come to you automatically. If you truly desire the happiness of the one you love, sometimes, you have to let them go, because their happiness lies some place else. This thought bruises your ego. Who else can make him/her happier than I do. Look how much I there is in every sentence. This gives you a clue, how much you are operating from the ego.

Operating from Too much "I", hurts you the most. TO truly love, the first thing to surrender is the ego. Please understand, self respect and ego are too different words, for a reason. No one is asking you to do anything you are not comfortable with, anything that harms you physically, emotionally, sexually or otherwise, Please use the word "No". Once you stop operating from lower frequencies of doubt ,fears, insecurities etc, you will find, you are no longer clutching so hard. have you noticed the harder you clutch something like, sand, the faster it slips out.

Love, is a beautiful emotion. It brings out the best in you. You become, more caring, compassionate, forgiving, nurturing, not only toward the person you love, but to the world in general. Love, is now known to heal ailments. Louise Hay, talks about techniques of sending love to the area of your body, you are not satisfied with, with time, it loses its flab. Once you start to give love, the more love comes back to you. Do not be fooled by the trap of "I", to believe what you feel is true love. You want, you do not love. You are not happy, not because of the behaviour of the other person, but because, its not real. There is no peace, there is constant conflict, because two" I's "  are trying to satisfy themselves. There is cheating, betrayal and lies, because, the "I", needs validation, again and again of being desirable, attractive, being sexy and wanted. One is not good enough. It is the "I', that makes one judgemental, about physical beauty, success, money. When two people are truly in love, they are aware, they will change, they will grow, and sometimes apart. They learn from each other, they evolve, they feel peace. They don't have a relationship to prove a point to someone, to the society or the world or even to themselves. They stay together, because both have something to give to each other and to receive. When its true love, the definitions of the relationship may change, but the essence never dies. You can never bring yourself to berate, or humiliate each other, the well-wisher in you never dies.

You do not want him/her back, because, you did not have him/her, to begin with. What you thought you had, was an illusion created by your ego, and the ego keeps you in this eternal loop. It tells you to go after something, it knows you can never have, then it berate you, making you work harder and harder. Stop, think....let go... in love and in peace....

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Life is an echo....

The day, I started thinking about writing "Life is an Echo", in my blog, the next day I ended up reading this line written by Wayne W.Dyer " If Gimmee! Gimmee! Gimmee! is my message to the universe, then the universe will send the very same message back to me......If my message to the universe is What can I give? or How may I serve? the message I receive from the universe will be How may I serve you? or What can I give you? "

I have spent a lot of time, writing about this topic for my book, and yet I wanted to write more about it, here, on my blog site. Reading these lines , I found a perfect validation to what I want to express here.

A lot of people ask me, as they are exploring and trying to understand the karmic cycles, karmic balancing, laws of attraction and of course, Life is an Echo, they have asked me in different words, this question..." So is life a simple matter of mathematical equation and correct grammar?" I reply YES! Today in the mathematical world, simple equations are used to solve biggest of problems. It just save a lot of time, of starting from scratch every time. Someone, worked out those equations or formulae, its a matter of sitting and observing repetitive patterns.Sometimes there may be anomalies,but most times there is a pattern . Outcomes may vary due to factors involved, but the principles remain the same.

Let me give an example. In this life time, if you have knowingly or unknowingly hurt (like breaking heart/ betraying) of say 4 people. If you could quantify pain over a scale of ten and for the four people, it goes something like 8+6+4+7 = 25. Now you may go through either 25 small incidents where your pain is quantified as 1 on a scale of ten. Or you may go through 1 major trauma in life that equals to 25 in terms of pain/ suffering or, it may happen over several traumatic events. Hence life does have a mathematical equation. The problem is emotional charges can't be quantified into measures in our  earthly known measurements. Its a matter of understanding this equation through words. What goes from you , comes back to you.

Now when it comes to words such as need, want, desire, require etc. This words equate to the absence of whatever you are asking for. Every time you focus on "I need", by virtue to life being an echo it comes from three or more times stronger back at you, life starts demanding from you "I need, I need.. need.. need" . The way out of this is to act in gratitude, as though it has already come to pass. it comes to you. If you find, people and situations or even life itself is taxing on you, always demanding from you. Stop focusing on what all you're trying to get from them. Love, riches, recognition, whatever big or small. Start to give, without expecting. When you give, by the virtue of the same law, the things you give come back to you.

There are various levels of consciousness that we operate from.  We maybe operating from poverty consciousness. Let me explain this a bit more. You are operating from poverty consciousness if you haggle for money, bargain ( not for sheer pleasure but actually feel cheated) if you constantly obsess about where money will come from ,even though you lead a comfortable life, if you hoard things. Spending all the money on useless things as soon as it comes in also reflect poverty consciousness. See all of the above example show, you some where deep down due to some fear or belief system believe there is not enough abundance. Now since you are operating from this consciousness, life is hearing "scarcity" from you, now no matter how hard you work or save, there will never be enough. There will always be more bills to pay, debts accumulating, medical emergencies where your savings get used up.

To change the situation, I know its simpler said that done, and yes, it is this simple as it sound, yes it takes persistence and patience and practise....Just ,change you belief system. KNOW, it from the bottom of your heart, tell your mind to lay low, don't listen to arguments your ego will throw up, suspend all disbelief and change the way you think. Every time a bill comes, thank the universe/God, that you have the ability to pay it. When you do you work, concentrate on the love you pour into the work, the joy you receive from doing a good job and trust you will be paid handsomely for your work. Change beliefs such as success doesn't come easy.

Take a look at your life, there will be aspects, you are doing really well, however there might be some aspect, such as health, where you keep suffering. Check your belief system, do you have beliefs such as I fall ill every winter....The major aspects you can do this check is health, wealth, career, relationships and your moods. i am aware moods are affected by what is going on in these aspects, however if you notice, if you are angry, situations keep occurring and people keep aggravating you. You attract their stupidity or aggression to your self.

Here I can give you a small and easy tip on how to check where  your negative focus is. all that we see and experience in the world and our life, is the projection of our mind and ego or our self once we go beyond mind and ego. Start paying attention to your words, what you criticise or are judgemental about. That is a deep rooted fear or void in your life. For example If you constantly judge people and criticise ( even its between you and your spouse) the parenting style of other people. It may indicate, either a deep rooted belief in you that you received inadequate parenting or it is your fear, you may not be giving good parenting.

Once you start working on your thinking patterns, belief systems and behaviour, you are well on your way to attract good things such as abundance and well being into your life... As a child, you must have stood at an echo point and shouted something.... sometimes, it takes a few seconds before the echo begins. It also feels like its coming from all directions. Such is the case with the echoes in life too. Sometimes, their is a pause before the echo comes back, but it comes back for sure. It sure is up-to you, what you want life to throw at you, lemons or mangoes...make the first move....

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Broken Hearts Anonymous... how to overcome a heart break

Any one who has had their heart broken, knows how difficult it is to get over the pain and move on in life. A lot of people know they must get over it , after all, every one around keeps telling them that, and yet, no matter how hard you try, the heart continues to ache, sometimes even after years. Some become cynical about love and relationships, for some the pain ends up becoming bitterness in their hearts, preventing any new meaningful or long lasting relationship from even having a chance with them.  A lot of us, continue to have lingering hope of finding love again and pray someone will come along and wipe the pain from our hearts and re-install our faith in love.

A lot of things can cause a broken heart. Getting dumped by the person, you thought, was " The One", getting cheated upon, loss by death.... Whatever the cause might be... The process of getting over is long, tedious and most of all difficult. Beyond a point, there is no one really who offer understanding, empathy or even support. If you have cancer, everyone around you tries their best to become supportive and helpful, you get medi-claim and leave from work, yet there is no such plan for someone going through the pain of a broken heart. Usually you end up traveling the road to recovery alone. There are manuals to help people to over come addictions. Here I'm sharing the broad guidelines from my manual for Broken Hearts Anonymous.
This is a 9 step program to get over a broken heart   

1.      Acceptance:
Its over. Stop being in denial. The first reaction, for any person, going through any shock or trauma is denial. This denial can last from a few moments to months and sometimes even years. You just can't bring yourself to accept the current situation. You just can't believe its happening to you. After all, you thought, everything was so perfect. You invested so much emotionally, mentally, perhaps even financially into the person you love and your relationship, sometimes you've been together for years, perhaps there are children involved, sometimes partnerships in work. You had plans, everything was sorted out. Sure there were fights and arguments but then which couple doesn't have them. Even if there were signs, your mind refused to see and accept them. And now your mind tells you, perhaps its a phase, perhaps he/she is just angry. Maybe all that is needed is a bit of space, it will all work out, even when the person moves out and starts living separately, you just keep thinking, He/ she will come back. We belong together. This is Living in Denial.

The first step is Acceptance. Accept "  It is OVER", repeat it to yourself over and over again. No solution can ever be found until you accept the situation to begin with.  Even if, in the long run, it does work out, in your present moment, in the current situation is " Its Over". Now you need to deal with it...

2.      Intervention:
The worst thing to do, is to not ask for help. Most people have a fair idea , what it is to have a major relationship ending. If there is someone, anyone like your friends or cousins, who lives near you and is accessible on the phone, ask them for their intervention. By intervention do I mean they go and speak to your partner. No. What I mean is, they become a shield for you. The first few weeks are the most traumatic, once the acceptance settles in. Request a friend to be on stand by.
After the first few days, take help from your friend to keep you occupied. Let them plan your day broadly. If they want you to go to a play or movie or dinner, say yes. Ask them to help you remember why you're so lovable and why you need to get over. A pep talk , always does you good.  

3.      Grieve:
Cry, get drunk, grieve it over, do it with someone you trust. Not only that , start keeping something like a journal In your journal note down your thoughts, feelings, keep track of how many times you give missed calls, texted, spoke begged, wept, everything. It’s one thing to go through, and another thing to see in black and white, in your own hand writing what you're going through. There comes a point, where you will ask yourself, why am I putting myself though this? Why am I de-grading myself like this? Stop agonizing about  what if, what did I do wrong, should I have, should I say sorry, will he come back to me. Etc When you want to get back together with your ex, read the letter why he’s good riddance, read your journals, see how much pain you’ve been through. Learn

After the first two weeks, you must remember:  no more phone calls in despair to the ex, no meet me once more, no more excuses. No use of sex as the last resort to keep them with you. Take help from your friends. If you're tempted to call, call your friend instead. If staying by yourself, especially at night becomes unbearable and leads to bouts of crying uncontrollably, ask your friends to take turns maybe to sleep over at your place or If possible stay over at their place.
In case, you don't have such friends, immediately seek professional help. Going to a therapist is not a sign of mental disorder or weakness. You may be a man or a woman, it is a sign of intelligence to ask for help, when you need it.

4.      Get angry:
 Sometimes, step four happens naturally during step three. Its written as a separate step, to understand the importance of purging not only the grief but the anger. Anger, is a natural emotion when you feel wronged, cheated, used or even helpless. This anger needs a healthy out let and to be used as pure , unadulterated energy to propel you forward, not angry and bitter but as recharged and re-energized. 

For this step, you can use a variety of tools, Some sound childlike but bring extreme amount of satisfaction to your heart. Make a  list of why you’re better off, cut up left over clothes, burn pictures, un-friend from social networking sites, write a letter and pour out all your hurt, pain, all that your plans and dreams were, all your anger, curse  whatever, and then burn this letter, without re-reading it. Its a great method to release your anger

Do 3 and 4 a few more times till you run out of steam.

5.      Become a friend to yourself:
Pamper yourself,  and pamper yourself, go to spas, go swimming, dancing, re-do your apartment the way you want to, splurge on a few feel good things for yourself. Get a change of wardrobe. Get enrolled in hobby classes,( read my blog:" I don't want to be alone 1 and 2 "). If you can afford to take a trip, if you want solitude go alone, you can go with friends or you can go visit someone, who is sure to spoil you. stay for few days with someone who adores you, an aunt, cousin, parents, allow them to pamper you. Do what ever it takes to restore your self confidence back and uplifts your self esteem. Do positive things for yourself, loose weight, rather then giving into emotional eating binges. Start an exercise regime. Its a great way to stay in shape and blow off steam.

6.      Gratitude
 You may wonder, how gratitude comes into the picture of getting over a broken heart. gratitude to the higher power works two folds. One, it makes you aware , what life of misery you have been saved from. Think about it, if the same break up happened , years too late, imagine how far worse the situation would be. Think about all the possibilities of all that you've been saved from and the opportunities you've been given. Once you start feeling the gratitude, for the past, the good things you shared, for the present, that is is over and now you have new opportunities to grow in life and the future, which has so much potential, practicing gratitude, brings peace and secondly, as per the laws of attraction, he more you're grateful for, the more universe gives you. So take time out to thank god for getting you out of that relationship, thank him for every little thing you do have, like your friends, family, children, a job, a house, food on your table, your health, Every day, think about all the blessings that ARE there in your life. The less you focus on what you don't have, the sooner, you heal yourself. Gratitude allows you to open yourself to loving yourself, and loving your life

7.      Forgiveness:
Forgiveness is one of the most crucial steps in healing your own self. From the way I look at it, forgiveness is not altruistic at all. Forgiveness is something we exercise, to free yourself, from the baggage of the past. We cut the cords giving the past , control over our present. Forgiveness, is not condoning the act . Forgiveness like Oprah very eloquently said, is giving up the hope, that the past would have been different. (Please read my blog: "Before Forgiveness") Forgive not only the other people, who have hurt you, your spouse and if there was a third party involved them too. Do not allow them to mess with your heart, mind, you present or your future. Let them stay in the past. More importantly, “Forgive your self.” Forgive yourself, for the mistakes you think you've committed. Forgive yourself, for attracting the situation in your life. Work on eliminating the cause of attracting the situation, so that it does not become a repetitive pattern in your life. Forgive yourself, for when you felt you let yourself down. Forgive yourself for the anger and for all that you did that ended up hurting you like drinking when you were depressed. Set yourself free from self blame too.  

8.      Let Go:
Letting Go, is very difficult. You may think writing or reading all this is easier said than done, all this is good on paper but not in real life. I know. It is easier said than done. I have been through and survived several major break ups in my life. What I learnt was, when we fall down, we get up, we dust our self and we walk on, the dusting part is the letting go. If we don't let go, the resentment sticks on like dust on our clothes and after a while becomes a permanent stain. In my experience, to let go completely can take up to, almost one year from the time of the break up.  Some people manage faster, some take a bit more time. However, if you're true to the programme, it takes about a year, to be ready to really be at peace and release completely. Write a letter, poem, story whatever can express the good and bad of your relationship, let go without bitterness.

9.      Go forward with faith:
The first 8 steps, help you get over you shock, pain and grief, they also help you take a look at yourself and your life. You invest time and effort in re-building yourself and your life. You have now taken stock of your life and made healthy changes to yourself and your life. You have been paying attention to all the good you have been blessed with. Now it is time for you to move forward. This is a good time, to make visualization boards to have a blue print of the life you want. Be very clear in your visualization board about the qualities you seek in your life partner. Use whatever tools such as affirmations, Angel prayers, chakra coloring boards specifically for finding the perfect partner. Keep focus only on the positive.  Once you’ve done the exercise of manifesting the future you want. Let Go and let God do his work. Trust in the divine plan and the divine timing. Now take pro- active measures to give a clear indication to the universe, you are ready. Start with casual dating. Ask family and friends to set you up. Avoid going out with total strangers,  test your feelings to see how strong and confident you feel. Its like physiotherapy for the heart. It needs slow and steady work outs to get back to the former strength and energy. 

·         till all steps are completed successfully there will be no dating, sex casual or   otherwise
·          In case of relapse, like  in case of getting back with the ex briefly or a rebound fling all steps must be started from scratch.
·         All partying , eating out etc will be in a group or with same sex friends.
·         At no point allow yourself to wallow in self pity.
·         If you wish to stay in touch or maintain a friendship, it must be kindled only after you have completed all steps from 1-8
·         Missing and thinking about your ex is natural, do not use it an excuse to not complete the program or to keep trying to get back together. Divert yourself.
·         Keep a journal till the very end . It will help you monitor your progress, how far you’ve come and keep track of your pit falls, learning’s, your high points, gratitude lists etc

Suggestions :
Loneliness is something that is the biggest stumbling block in getting over some one, if you have enough space and can afford it, get a pet like a dog. Taking care of it and the unconditional love you receive is a great healer.
Volunteer your spare time, a few hours every week at local charitable organizations such as orphanages or old age homes. They will appreciate the love you bring to them. Besides focusing your energies and time in alleviating another’s pain takes away the focus and helps reducing your own. It puts things in a larger perspective.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

I don't want to be alone....2

The journey from loneliness to solitude....Let me pick up from where I left off. I know this topic needs a book to deal with in all fairness, all the aspects of loneliness. Today I want to encourage a lot of introspection. I know introspection with complete honesty is very difficult for most people. Yet , to find a solution, one always needs to be brutally honest, at least, with themselves. Let talk from the point of view of laws of attraction.

DO you, want to be in a relationship, just to feel secure, feel loved, feel attractive, feel needed?
Do you always look to receive more than you want to give?
Do you feel lost, insecure, depressed, unhappy, bereft of an identity if you don't have a romantic partner or spouse?
How do you feel if someone wants to end a relationship with you?
Are you clinging to a person long after all happiness has left the relationship?
Is fear of being alone the only reason, you are trying to make things work, by compromising and putting up with obnoxious behaviour?
Do you give in to emotional blackmail for fear of losing the person?
I want you to think carefully before you answers these questions....

The answers you give to yourself will give you a clue to what you're attracting in your life. The law of attraction works on a very simple equation. It give you whatever it is that you really want, it also by the same law( logic), gives you everything , you really , really don't want. What I mean here is, the universe does not distinguish, it just knows intensity of emotional charge behind thoughts. The more your focus is on void ( you will know you're operating from a void consciousness if you use the words need, want, require a lot) , by focus I mean when you keep hoping something won't happen, you can guarantee it will. If you're using a person to find meaning to your life, bring joy or excitement, a fulfilment , which you are incapable of feeling in their absence, the relationship you attract in your life, will simply amplify that void. That is how simple the law of attraction is. What is incomplete cannot attract something complete, your void consciousness will seek validation and find validation of the void, by making it your reality.

The reason, I keep emphasising on introspection and working on self improvement, is not to highlight what you lack, but rather to make you love yourself, accept your self, because only when you do, will another person. Giving love, while carrying feelings of being a martyr or a door mat will ensure that's how you will end up getting treated. When you love yourself, find your self interesting and attractive, that's how other's will perceive you too.

This brings me to the next point. Take a good look at yourself and you life, your routine and ask your self....Would I date/ marry myself?
 Your own answer may shock you, if you're brutally honest. If you are a person with no interests, you don't like your body ( this has nothing to do with your height, weight, colour), if your life is home-work-home, if you don't have hobbies, friends lets say, if you have no life... Why on earth would another person want to be with you and spend most of their time with you. It could be the reverse too. If you treat others as though they are there to serve you, help you with your chores, take you out, give you a good time in bed, take care of your homes and kids and ask for nothing in return, again why would anyone want to be with such a person? Does this mean you're doomed to never have a healthy, long term relationship? No, its just means you need to work on those areas of your life. Self improvements, is a life long task, every few weeks your months, you need to make an inventory , to check what needs servicing, up-gradation, what skills need polishing. Complacency is bad for your own growth as well as for your current / potential relationship. Become what you'd like to see in a partner, if you like humour, brush up your humour bone too, you like to be cared for, become caring, you get the picture. become someone you'd love to hang out with, date and marry.

The third very important aspect to think about is, how much baggage are you carrying, since your childhood and dumping it on the back of someone you're trying to have a relationship with. Trust me very few are the lucky ones to have trauma free childhood, we all have scars from our childhood. What about relationship patterns. Patterns with parents, siblings, are you still seeking out a person who plays out those dramas in your life? What about baggage's from your past romantic relationships? Do you carry them around like proud martyr badges of sad glory? Do you resolve never to forget? Every time you get over a relationship, wipe your slate clean. Start like you're a virgin emotionally. Build no walls around your heart and a road map from your past relationship into the current one. No two people are alike, so how can two relationships be alike. What you learn from a past relationship, is about you and your behavior, not about another person. Just because your ex had phone sex with other women does not mean, this current person will too, your paranoia will just drive him nuts. Your past, is the past, leave it there. To learn more about this watch out for my upcoming blog: Broken Hearts Anonymous

I would like to end this piece, with a small tip to make a relationship that seems to be slipping away or going downhill maybe come back on track. I do hope you will use the above pointers to work on yourself and get over dependency on your spouse. I would like to share, what I call the see-saw syndrome....You see, every relationship works out a certain balance for itself. Both parties are never equal givers . Each persons, brings their whole to the table, a lot of times complementing each other. A woman may nurture more than the man does, the man may bring goofiness. The delicate balance is like a see-saw. Both children have to sit perhaps at different distance from the centre depending on the difference of weights. Now if you feel your partner is moving away, tipping the see-saw, you need to move away too. If he's over it, he will get off and go, if he's interested, he will then move closer to restore the balance. What I mean is, if one is feeling the need for space, perhaps mentally, emotionally or physically, give it. You're not the only one who wants the relationship. Move a tad behind on your side of the see-saw, the other person will come closer....

In today's world, relationships have lost the predictability and stability of the olden times. Where as some still crave for the old school definitions others want to define them according to their life style. There are some who are like children in a candy store, who want to sample it all and can't make up their minds. The important thing is to not let your relationship define who you are as a person. Learn to enjoy solitude as much as the company of the person you love. Create a life for the two of you together, yet get a life of your own....

Friday, 20 January 2012

I don't want to be alone....

Have you ever experienced, a tightening of your chest, when you felt you can't breathe any more, you heart thumping wildly, your stomach feels like a cramp is about to start....a fear that takes over your body, spreading like a rash. You don't know where to run to, you feel you want to scream, but no sound comes out, you want help but you can't see any one around.... it feels like a nightmare.... the thought of being alone, is a nightmare for a few people.

I was in a boarding school from a very young age. It was a school on a picturesque hill, with a lake below. The winters were pretty harsh. Somehow, when ever I''ve felt lonely, the association my body made with the bleak, dark and cold evenings there come to the fore. Every time, a relationship of mine was on the brink of ending, I see darkness, I feel cold and I feel the pit of my stomach has become hollow.

Being naturally outgoing and with varied interest, I became my best friend during my bleakest days. My will power was a powerful ally. I have realised people may come and go, but books, well books never let you down. Canvas maybe expensive, paint may not be available. Yet as long as I had paper, pencil and any book under the sun, I got by any kind of phase. The best thing about books is, you don't have to have any particular skill except literacy. You don't have to dress up for it, you don't need to go out because you so low and can't drag yourself out of the bed. Books come in all shapes and sizes. They speak to you. Every time I went through a phase, I found there were so many before me who had faced it too and made it. They wrote and shared what helped them. I would make notes. See the advantage is no knowledge ever goes waste and when you keep your mind occupied, slowly yet surely you get over the worst (the eye of the storm) of any phase and you find handy tools in the bargain.

I know I was writing about the fear of being alone. See , Alone for some becomes solitude. It becomes an opportunity to do things they otherwise had to time for. The like spending time with themselves, men like to play with their tools in their garages, building things, a lot of women like to pamper themselves, most pursue their hobbies, it leaves you time to think things out. On the other hand, for some people ( I was one of them so I know) alone was equal to loneliness. It translated into a sense of being rejected, of" no body loves me" or "no one cares for me". It created panic inside me.

My imagination would run wild,what if I fall ill, what about my old age. Would my body decay for days before someone found me, no one would know if I had an accident. The thing is, one day I realised, just because I did not have a spouse, did not mean, I did not have friends or family. My family may not know, the exact condition of my emotional well being, but they would know if something happened to me.I calmed myself down and made a list of people who have been nice to me for no reason at all. I realised they liked me. I was too involved in my love/ break up story to pay attention to them. I felt like an idiot. Not having a relationship does not mean I'm alone.I started making calls, meeting friends. Even if I was not interested in a guy, if he flirted with me, I let it balm my hurts. I would be honest with them, yet there was no harm in sharing a  few laughs. It did wonders to them and me. Trust me, others out there go through these lonely phases as much as you do, they too enjoy good company so why not go out with them for a couple of dates.

Not only does being alone mean you have time to do things you didn't have time for before, or time for people you always take for granted, it also means an opportunity to make those changes you never had the heart to do. The changes can be big or small, a change in hair style or cushion covers or a change in your job. During my separation , I took up a new job. I met a wonderful young man, full of laughter and fun. He was exactly what the doctor prescribed at that time. I started having fun in life again. It felt so good to let my hair down. I opened myself to changes, took huge leaps of faith. For the longest time, I assumed he was the one I was meant to be with,  it was his boss I married :)

What I'm saying here is this fear of being alone is nothing to scoff about. It is very real.It takes  lot to over come it and a small incident can just set it off. Yet, it can be over come. It takes diligence, it takes a lot of faith, in God . It means you need to become your best friend. You need to take one step at a time away from the abyss of loneliness toward a fulfilling life. It upto

Being on you own in this life today, where everyone is busy and in a rush, is a huge challenge. I have faced it. I was a single mother for a good 6 years. If you let someone else dictate how you should feel about your self, you've lost the battle already. I never allowed myself to believe I was doomed to be alone because I was divorced, I was a mother, because I was too tired. I never allowed my self to believe I had no more love to give or the courage to love again. All were true, I was divorced, I was a mother, I did not have much time or energy to socialise, I was tired emotionally, mentally, physically. I was monetarily in deep shit hole. I had no support system. I had two things. I had my faith in God. I had me, as my best friend. I also made books my friends and turned to my angels. I welcomed every change in my life, wiping my slate clean of previous markings. One big learning for me during those phases was, as long as the focus remained on my misery, there was never a solution at hand, the moment I reached out to help someone else, I knew I was no longer alone.

It might be a difficult journey, its not an impossible one. From loneliness to solitude, its a few steps, after that the world is yours to conquer.....

Say NO to cheating.......

I have searched high and low, in religious scriptures, mythology, fables, spiritual texts every where, I have not found a single place, not a single mention a single line where Cheating has found any resemblance of condoning. As children we were taught, do not take anything that belongs to another, you ask first , you need to pay for what you take...Perhaps adults need  certain ethics lessons as well. No one seems to pay attention - Stealing is bad. When it comes down to emotional matters, how is stealing less of a violation if it does not involve a material good? Maybe we should rename adultery or cheating and replace it with stealing. Perhaps the renaming will help awaken conscience in a majority of people. has conscience seriously fallen asleep in the absence of ethics education?

I have seen a lot of people hurt, because their trust was trampled on by two callous people. A lot of people have the lamest excuse of, they were not married, he/she could have said no, its the problem of the spouse, it was just sex, youngsters are far worse. It seems , they somehow become cooler if they manage to carry on behind the back of someone and get away with cheating. A lot of them do it for "kicks"!!!

I say there are three guilty parties here. One , the spouse that cheats. married or not, even if you're dating someone seriously, you ARE in a committed relationship. Get over it, you're not single any more. If you find another person more appealing, attractive whatever, have the courage to first break up, the previous relationship, showing a bit of sensitivity while you're at it, at least have that much decency . You are not an animal with no will power that you just have to do it right now. I know passion. I love sex, but here you ARE responsible for the trust and emotions of another person who loves you.

Two, the party of the cheating. If you were not aware the other person was infact in some sort of serious/ committed relationship, consider your self cheated too. Here, I'm talking about the blase people , who have the audacity to say its none of my business what their equation is all about or what the consequences will be. It is your business. You are the catalyst, to destroy someones peace of mind, someone's relationship and someone's home. All I can say is, when later in life, it happen to you don't ask why is this happening to me? Just remember, all that you do, DOES come back, it maybe exactly what you did, or in another matter but , you will feel betrayed for another, you will go through the pain , you have been a party to subjecting another person to. Just make sure before you hit on someone , is that person involved with someone else. If they're interested in you, don't buy into their lies of we're separated, I will leave that person for you, just wait and let them do it first.

Third, if you're the injured party, do take a moment and think long and hard, why did you attract this situation in your life? Are you insecure, leading you to become over possessive? All thoughts especially fears have a habit of manifesting and coming into our lives. Have you broken someones trust in the past? Have you given the message to the universe that you do not love yourself, by .... putting up with abuse of any form and remaining silent, do you feel undeserving of love and happiness, you will find a pattern of similar stories in your life. Its time you put an end to it. You become part of the cheating story, if you've put up with cheating before, looked the other way, maybe to save your relationship or your false sense of security. Did you forgive too easily? Then you've been cheating yourself too.

Only two people , who equally desire the relationship to work, can make it work. If only one person is doing all the push and shove sooner or later, the relationship will fail and you will feel I've done so much for this person. It true, forgiveness is important. Forgiveness does not mean condoning an act . Forgiveness is for your sake, not so much the other person. When a person says sorry, its supposed to mean, it won't happen again and not to be used as a full stop to end an argument or fight. 

The reason I'm writing about this is because as a therapist, as a friend, every day I hear stories of betrayal. I watch shows, I read stories of people in so much pain. We would hate anything like this to happen to us, our daughters our sisters, sons or brothers. It is each person's responsibility to say NO to temptation of cheating or making another tempted to cheat. Relationships do end, they do have natural death. Sure there is incompatibility issues, monetary issues, yet cheating should not be reason for the death of a relationship.

Cheating not only damages a relationship, its kills a part of a person. It kills their self worth, their self esteem, their faith in love, it kills their ability to trust another person again, it kills their trust in their own judgement. People are getting more and more sceptical about the institution of marriage. I see no difference in a steady relationship, live in or marriage. It comes down to two people in love, who want to be together. No one should violate their attempt to create a life together.

Here , I've deliberately not been gender specific. I've seen both men and women get hurt. I don' in someone Else's shoe, is most true in this scenario. Do not be the cause of the gut wrenching pain of another. Be gentle and kind not only to others but to your self too. Your actions set into motion a much larger story, the sensitivity you show to others, come to you too. Morals are not just for children, they are very much for adults. In being kind to others, we become kind to our self. Pain is a part of life, yet we can reduce the pain by avoiding deliberately causing it to another soul. We can bring back faith, trust, loyalty and love  into our lives, by just thinking before we act.

I am starting a page on facebook, " Say No to cheating" I welcome stories of you who have been in either of the three roles... did you over come the ordeal?