Friday 30 December 2011

Anger is a good slave...

Two years ago, during a very deep meditation, my master (celestial) spoke to me about anger. He said something I found very strange. He said not all anger is bad. The white anger is good. Anger is just energy and no energy is bad, you have to learn to use it for good. I have mulled over his statement for very long. While in meditation, everything makes sense. Your sub-conscious which is most activated at that moment, is very wise. A lot of times my doubts arise post my meditations. All predictions I've got during my meditations have come true, not only regarding my life but others as well. I stopped doubting the messages long ago. Yet these simple sounding sentence, open flood gates in my conscious mind and my learning re-starts from a new angle.

I have learnt since my childhood anger is bad. Raised in a boarding school at the young age of 7 and later continuing my education in Catholic school, all nuns reiterated how anger was evil. Later my Muslim boy friend, who I loved deeply, told me how he was taught to sip water to learn to curb anger. I faced anger in various forms especially from my father, and never wanted to be someone who was ever angry. I saw my angry side, towards the end of my first marriage. I hated myself. So this statement from my master confused me. He told me i was internalising my anger and damaging myself.

I know, I had so much rage in me at one point my body would start trembling and tears of bitter rage would flow out, just because I wanted peace. I didn't like confrontations. I had so much I wanted to say, and I didn't say them to keep the status quo.This statement, made me understand, getting angry and reacting in anger were two different things. Anger is required to bring changes against injustice. Even Gods get angry . I wondered what he meant by white anger. I did not know ever anger had colour codes. Apparently there is, there is black destructive anger, there is red and , blue and white. I'm not yet aware if there are more. There are fine lines that segregate them.

I also learnt, unresolved anger, over life times leads to cancer. When I researched I found people as recent as now like Louise Hay and as old as Yogananda Paramhansa have said the same thing about anger leading to cancer. Scientist don't believe in reincarnation and therefore this explanation does not go down well with them.

The only sentence that truly made sense to me was that no energy in its self is good or bad. The purpose you use it for and the intention you use it with can create a good or bad result.  An injection hurts. It can be used to administer vaccines and medicines or to drug oneself or render someone unconscious. A rage creates so much reaction in your body, this surge of energy can be used to work out, paint, write or be passed down to a by stander.Resolving the issue is another matter. Read my blog" Before Forgiveness". When boiling outrage is used for the betterment of someone or on a large scale slavery gets abolished as do practises such as Sati. It encourage one to do something about a currently existing situation.

Anger is either born out of fear at some basic level or an outrage of your sensibilities. Which ever way you look at it, at some level the person feels or experiences some form of injustice. Your body may experience sexual frustration (injustice) and lead you to become foul tempered. You may find your self unable to articulate your thoughts or feelings and react in anger. A child may suppress his anger , this leads to a feeling of helplessness, he may grow up to be a very controlling person, trying to compensate for his earlier feelings of helplessness and resort to anger to get his way.

All my life, I spent, trying to learn how to diffuse situations. I learnt to swallow anger. Then I learnt to release anger through breathing techniques, used guided meditations, I never wanted to feel a wave of anger sweep across my body , mind, heart or soul ever again. I had to re-start. I had to learn, it was okay to experience anger. I had to learn how to disassociate from that anger, without losing the energy it created. I had to learn how to harness and collect that energy to be used for something productive. I learnt I write and paint best when there is some agitation in my heart or mind. I learnt how not to transfer it to an innocent person and how not to let it affect my regular life.I learnt how some souls attract a certain kind of behaviour from you, but its your choice to react in the way their aura is telling you to.I learnt just as sleep, food, sex are necessary so is anger, yet all can be controlled. None of these should govern you, they are good slaves and bad masters.



Thursday 29 December 2011

The two wheels of a bicycle

I have pondered long and hard on this one, once I became aware, my path was one of spiritual learning and teaching, I was torn about how to deal with the curve balls life threw at me. The more I read scriptures ( of different religions)The more my understanding grew, yet one confusion reigned. How do I apply learnings to my daily life. I ended up writing a book on it, yet, something was still amiss. I understood karma, karma balancing, karmic balancing, I understood various learning we have to achieve via our unique and individual experiences we go through in life. Yet there was a missing piece.

You see, to understand my predicament, you have to understand one thing, I question everything. If there is a missing piece I cannot rest. In Gita, Lord Krishna explained about karma. He did not prevent a war. He let  things happen, cousins killing each other, students killing their teacher and much more. I wondered, if we are meant to understand and practise forgiveness, how come one of the reincarnation or prophet allowed something like that to happen.

I have been practising, harmony, unconditional love, forgiveness, gratitude, all of it, everyday, in my real life. Yet a couple of things would keep cropping up. No matter what I tried, healing, affirmations, prayers nothing would make them either get resolved or go away. I had a sudden epiphany a few days back wham, there was a clarity.Karma happens in our lives, it goes back a long way. The learning, enlightenment, lessons, experiences happen at another level. They happen for the growth of our soul. We learn and we practise them, yet, the rules of karma are not bendable. Sometimes, even if you're unwilling you're caught in a war situation. It could be family or office politics or actual war to protect a loved one or your country. This is karmic balancing acting out. In case in some life, you've wanted to find your voice and speak out against the injustice of a tyrant, you're killed or other wise silenced, yet the desire is too strong. In the current life, this other soul will keep tormenting you. He will keep trying to provoke you, in order to balance the karma. No matter how hard you try to turn away, it will keep happening.

The thing is you can't play football with cricket rules. In football you do hurt the other player, in cricket it would be body line. The best way to deal with it, is to put into application your learning. Let go of the anger at the provocations. let go of the desire to hurt back. Without emotions involved, the action is just that "action" or "kriya" and not "karma", kriya becomes karma when emotional charge get attached to it. Do what needs to be done. Now without emotions involved, your desire to speak up against the injustice of another becomes a matter of stating facts. Its impassionate. You expect nothing in return. There ends your karmic cycle and you implement your learnings too...

What I understood, finally was, Krishna was not propagating war with your kin and yet, if that is what it takes to settle karmic balances ( because not every person is as forgiving as you), then play by the rules of war. Don't take on guilt because in a war you will injure and kill. This is rather an extreme, I still feel that way, but then unless scriptures tell stories in hyperbole, the point is never driven home. Jesus Had to be tormented, humiliated, whipped and more and crucified to explain forgiveness. They have to have larger than life scenarios painted out, so that we grasp the basic, moot point of the story.

I am aware, I need to write another blog to explain certain concepts I've written about for the uninitiated to the world of metaphysics, yet for those who are fellow travellers, who are aware, I thought I'd share this particular piece with you. The journey of the soul may or may not be different and at a different pace.The heart looks to restore balance, the soul seeks only enlightenment. Till such a point comes when they both are aligned. In the meantime, just know how to differentiate the two, and know what ever game you're entangled in, you need to play by its rules. Detach, from your emotions while you're at it....Like the wheels of a bicycle, the heart and soul turn together yet separately, they each do their work and take you forward. What you have to learn is the balancing act.




If death developed a conscience one day.....

Yamraj, is the Lord of death. There was a lovely movie, Meet Joe Black. Brad Pitt played death, come to earth to experience life....What beautiful irony...I began to wonder, what would happen if Death (Yamraj) developed a conscience, or rather a guilty conscience?

Most people are uncomfortable talking about death, a lot are afraid.People don't want death, their own, their loved ones, they go into severe depression when encountered by "unexpected death". People living in extreme poverty, chronic illness, the worst conditions of life, still want to live on. They may be old, so ill, they are bed ridden, they still cling onto life . I remember during my first marriage, I came across an article, that put my husband in a high death risk category, due to his frequent flying. The article suggested, such people should always have their wills ready. So I tried to talk to him about writing a will and nomination papers. He got so angry as though I was wishing death upon him. I wasn't, I just found the article very practical. I understand, a twenty something man doesn't want to think death can touch him, and hopefully not for a lot more decades. What confuses me is, what makes some death "unexpected", what is far more perplexing is why is everyone so afraid of death? Its a natural conclusion of life...

If one day Death, decides, he doesn't want to kill any more. Lets imagine the scenario. The illness, prolonged forever, every person growing older each year, with no rest or respite, all lessons spread over various lifetimes, now crammed into one endless life. Failing eyes sights, weaker limbs, an exhaustion, unimaginable consuming every person. The population increasing, no space left for any more, yet more and more people crowding into this planet. All resources getting depleted faster than getting replenished. Injuries would happen, degrees of burns , that kill now, every form of suffering continuing endlessly. Yet no death would come. Decadent ruins of people, with no life in their will, they would hate life more than they hate death now....

Death is not to be feared. Death is merely a comma, its not a full stop. Death gives us, the much needed respite and rest in between lives. Death is more loyal than life, it shadows us from birth, almost like an obsessed lover, to come to you , spend some time with you, recharging you, giving you time to reflect over the life you just completed, the regrets you want to undo, the lessons you've learnt, the love you accumulated. Death, is that lover who waits patiently, to take you in a possessive embrace and lets you go, when its time to come back to life again....

Talking about death and wills or nominations doesn't bring death upon you. It brings a practicality to those who are left behind. Celebrating the life one led, does not mean you must mourn the death, beyond a limit. Why would any one who loves another want to see them suffering, no dignity in their life, yet so afraid to let go, they keep praying to keep the beloved alive. Death is kinder in certain circumstances. DO I mean, one must not mourn the passing away of a beloved, sure. Yet, remember to celebrate his life more. Let not a grief, that is but natural, overshadow, the life you still have. Cherish the memories, but don't burden them with your grief. The garb may changes, the face, the gender yet the soul lives on. Know inside you, everyone dies, yet every soul is eternal. life ends in death, and life begins from death....here is one more fear to let go and accept as inevitable. The more grace you show, the easier it is for people you leave behind....

A raw deal in hand....


When you’re over whelmed, your mind is so saturated you don’t know how to think clearly any more, take a deep breath and exhale as slowly as you can. Life, like in a game of cards, life can give you a rough deal. A lot of times you get a bad deal.

I remember, when I was a child, my parents were found of playing rummy, a card game. They took it very seriously. They wrote down points and had intense arguments. I would sometimes join them in the game.  My father had a habit of dissecting every hand you played, be it my mother or me. One time, I was getting bad deals after bad deals. I kept playing instead of folding in. End of playtime I had some minus 108 0r more points, basically a disaster, had we been playing for money, I would have been wiped clean. My father lost his temper, he uses a very derogatory and foul tone when he’s angry, he said, you don’t take anything seriously in life, why you can’t even take playing seriously!! I was in one of my brave moods that day and I mumbled, we were just playing, why should I take that seriously, he started off…you will never be successful in life, you will never each anywhere, you should have folded when you had such bad cards, tears filled my eyes and I said but folding is no fun, I wanted to play, so what if I lost…I got another long lecture and was dismissed from their room….

Well, over two decades have passed since that day. I got several bad hands, at the game of life. I stuck to my original style, I refused to fold in. I play good hand and bad hand with equal flourish, very nearly getting wiped out it the process, thank God, its jus metaphorical and not about money here. I took everything life dished out to me and continued to play. I lost a lot, in the bargain, yet what was constant was the “fun”. I always treated life, like one big adventure, that spirit never died in me…Times changes and even bad times don’t last…from time to time I got great hands. The practice I got through playing even bad hands really helped while playing a good hand. The highs I saw were doubly sweet.

The point of any game, including life, is to play along and not to take it seriously after all who comes out of it alive. Some days are your days and some aren’t. Just have fun, laugh off your misfortunes, because, it’s your struggles that make a great story and not a plain rose bed. If you fold, over and over again, you’ll lose interest, you’ll get tired and bored…
Yes, that day, I took one thing to heart and very seriously, that was I never played cards with my father ever again. Now when I teach my son the same game, I emphasize on having fun, using his brains to minimize damage. I don’t scold him for losing or for accumulating minus points. I rejoice when he beats me. I hope he will learn, life must be played intelligently and not cowardly. Life must be lived and not folded in…..

Wednesday 28 December 2011

Picking Up the Pieces.....

A failed relationship.....
The end of life, as you knew it....
A life, as a single, at a point when you thought, you'd sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labour....
An empty house, an empty bed, a shattered heart, a stormy mind....
A riot of emotions, a fear grips your heart....
Who do I turn to, who will understand, where do I go from here, where do I even begin....questions reign...

O boy!! Do I know these lines. Do I echo, what you're going through. DO you perhaps know someone, who is going through, the end of a relationship, which you thought was, good riddance to bad rubbish, but now your loved one is a wreck. Dare I offer solace, and say, things will get better. No, I can't. Things won't get better, not quickly enough, if you don't start to pick up the pieces. You're right, no one will understand, they may empathise, sympathise, or be plain callous and say get over it, move on....

I remember, when I left my husband, I was crushed. I rented a small place, in an undeveloped area (there weren't even street lights in the area that time, or proper roads). I had no money to buy any sort of furniture, not even a gas cylinder. For the first few months, i didn't even want to have any thing. I remember fighting with a friend ( a new one, who didn't know much of what I had gone through), since i couldn't afford furniture, he thought I should buy a shelf made of cane to keep some of my stuff. I couldn't explain to him, how frightened i was, to even own anything, lest that too be snatched away from me. I did not have any family members with me, to lend me emotional support or to help me back on track, i have never felt as unloved and unwanted on this planet earth, as I did those few years.I has taken up a job, on weekends I would visit my son. I honestly didn't know who to turn to. All I wanted was some emotional backing. I went through my divorce alone. i didn't have money to afford a lawyer, I ended up getting no alimony or anything. One of my ex-colleague, who was also going through a separation from his wife, accompanied me for the final hearing. I had to head back straight to meetings post that. I could barely sit still, as a famous director narrated his stories to me. I felt my back would collapse. Yet I continued to work, because i didn't want to be alone. I had no embrace waiting for me. No lap where I could unleash my tears. Yet I remember, dressing up beautifully that day. I wore a saree, wore my kaajal and lipstick. The first thing, I learnt then, one step at a time. My first step was, I will look good. Why? was I shallow and driven by vanity ? No, I was working from outside in. This was something I learnt from my theatre days. When you can't feel an emotion, act it out, till you internalise it. For example, if you smile long enough, the brain feels you're happy and the correct hormones activate, if you do it long enough.

I still wasn't much upto pampering myself, yet there were some days, just too much to bear alone. days like festivals and holidays. My " friend", on my request, that I need to feel part of a family, get a feeling of belonging, took me to his family. I tried to imagine, his mother , loves me. her daughter too had a failed marriage, I imagined, she is transferring that concern to me. In my head, I started to experience, what I wanted to experience. I knew no one understood, but I asked them in plain words for what I needed. there were nights i was petrified of being alone, I was tired of my inability to sleep, sleeping with the television on was giving me headaches, so I requested another friend of mine to sleep on my couch. Most nights I would wake up from nightmares, I would go and start weeping, I just couldn't move past. No one in my work place during those two years, knew what I was going through. It was just a couple of my friends. I stopped talking to my relatives, because I would end up telling them and this upset my parents.I knew I had to find joy again. I accepted friendship of everyone, I got in and out of affairs, I started living for momentary happiness. I felt like a stray dog, who lives on crumbs thrown my way.

One thing I didn't do, I did not give into self pity, even for a moment. I started living on lists. I made lists for every day. I felt good for every item I ticked of as done on my list. I started pampering everyone around me. I completely took the focus away from my self and my hurt and poured love into every big or small relationship i was forging. I started reading and painting again. I lived from hour to hour. I started thanking God, for every little grace in my life. I started observing beauty in everything around me. I laughed hard, every times i felt like bawling. I continued working from outside in....

I never lost hope. I figured out, the people who stayed with me during my darkest hours and those who abandoned me, I was grateful for that knowledge. I started praying for forgiveness for myself and my ex- husband. I started compiling memories of all the good things that had ever happened to me. I lived and re-lived only the good things in my head. I stopped paying attention to Nay Sayers ( read my blog : I'm not Sita...thank God) I read like my life depended on it. I went out of my way to de-clutter my mind, heart and life of every shred of negativity and replace it with positive thoughts about it.

I kept my faith alive, I will find love again, I deserve to be happy, I will have a family again. i never let go of that belief. I did not know affirmations then yet in my own ways, I was working with affirmations. I reminded my self everyday, how much love I had to offer, how caring a person I am. I kept journals to keep track of the learning's i was getting. I knew inside me, as long as I was needy, I would never find a complete relationship. I knew i would attract needy people to myself. I knew to receive love I had to give love. I understood, first I had to love myself, before another person would love me for who i am. I did all this without having read books, I would later read. I just thought, if I don't love myself, why should someone else? I felt, if I don't feel my living space is inviting why would another person feel welcome. As I spoke my thoughts to my new found friends, they told me of writers, who had similar thinking processes. I thought, it was some pop psychology and resisted. I went to astrologers to seek hope. I would tell them , I know what all is wrong with my life, don't tell me about that, tell me, when this phase will end. Tell me something I can look forward to. I opened my self to chances.

I understood one thing, my heart needed my brain to sort itself out. I allowed my brain to take over. If I love someone, and he doesn't love me, do I want to hang around that person. No!! If I feel lonely, what can I do, start going out!! If I'm frightened , how can I over come it? Fight it off, face it screamed my brain. My brain gave me answers. I still didn't know the hows , I started going deeper, if the brain had answers to my emotional problems, perhaps my heart held the answers to my brains query. For every query of my brain, I would then turn to my heart, what would make you really happy? being understood, the question back to my brain, how can I make someone understand, articulate...back and forth from my brain to my heart, like a ping pong ball, I would do this till I reached a solution that satisfied both my heart and mind. My intuition, gut and soul became my beacon. I stopped going against my gut instinct.

One thing, this whole ping-pong exercise revealed to me was, how much over the years, I had lost touch with my own self. I did not know what I liked any more. I made another list, took me many days to make it. A list of my favourite things. I started with the very basic, favourite colour, flower, food, shade of lipstick, clothes, books, music, movie, the list went on and on, I changed answers several times. That is how lost I was. I didn't even know what perfume I liked, or how I liked my eggs. Did I like coffee or hated it.... I wrote everything down. Empty hours after work, gave me a lot of time to reacquaint with myself. The next step, I started acting out on it. Trying out, the egg I thought I liked. I experimented with my wardrobe, my hair style and hair colour. I re-read my favourite books. Once I became surer about myself, my self esteem and confidence started coming back. This also ensured, I was no longer moping and a dark cloud lifted from my heart, My heart felt acknowledged again, so what if it was only me it was ME, I was important to my heart. My brain, felt confident, because, it felt sorted. it was no longer fogged up.

These were some of the basic steps that helped me to start picking up the pieces of my heart, of my life of my self. It was time consuming, it took a while.It was successful. I was separated in 2005, I got into a committed relationship and am now married and happy . It took me 5 years to make that transition. Today, since I'm sharing only the mechanics, a lot of other factors are not written about here. I just hope, some of these tips will help some of you out there. It will aide you , in making a plan for your self, a programme if you want, step by step programme to get your life back after a break up. The biggest tip, always remember, even if no one else loves you, one person does.. You!! you may not feel it yet, just remember it, try to feel it, fall in love with yourself again. The whole world will follow...






Before Forgiveness...

I am writing, exactly after one week today. I didn't write, because I was in the process of assimilating, and putting into practise, certain understanding, accumulated over the past few years. A lot is said and written and preached about forgiveness. I find the following line, the most beautiful, regarding forgiveness. "Forgiveness, is letting go of the hope, that the past was different". This sentence holds a books worth of meaning in it. Forgiveness does not mean condoning. Forgiveness doesn't mean approving what happened, Forgiveness doesn't mean becoming friends.It definitely doesn't imply what happened was okay!! It just means, letting go, of the wish, certain things didn't happen. They did happen. The only thing, you can change about it, is the hold, it has on your heart/mind. Today, I'm not going to write more on forgiveness. Forgiveness, is liberating, its beautiful, I believe true forgiveness, heals you.....

Today, I'm going to write about , the one step before forgiveness happens. This step, most people assume, everyone knows and hence, its hardly, written or spoken about. Before forgiveness can occur, at any level ( in your mind, in your heart, in reality or at the soul level where you make peace), its important, to take back the control. Take back your control. The control, that you loose, in a situation, obviously traumatic to you, no matter what others point of view might be. I mean from a freak accident, to a murdered family member,  rape, abuse from peers, family or colleagues. Physical, sexual, emotional any form of abuse or suppression. When an individual feels cheated, abused, there is a level of control that's taken away from us. We are all aware, we are never truly in control of anything in life. Yet, the rage that fills us, comes from the factor that, we were left helpless and unable to do anything in return. This feeling of helplessness leads to a rage, that in turn makes it impossible to forgive or forget. We play things over and over and over and over, in our heads, revenge plans, what you'd say, if you got the chance, how you wish a certain person would die the most horrible death, or be damned in hell. We wish we could have done something.

Here are few things I find, help in taking back, that lost energy or control to that situation. The first, as in everything, is to accept. Accept, its happened, or happening. NOTHING, can change that fact. Second, acknowledge, how it makes you feel. Third, and the one I'm writing about today, Take a stand.

Take a stand, especially, if its a long term abuse of any kind, if its verbal, physical, a spouse who has cheated on you, a right of yours that was denied, anything at all, sometimes it can be , you feel unappreciated, you feel taken for granted. The situations can vary. The level of seriousness, you will know, because, you are experiencing, the tightness in your chest, your head is repeating the scenario over and over again, you are losing sleep over it, you are the one holding back the tears and choking on them. NO ONE else should tell you, if its a big or small deal. Now you must Make a stand. If you can, talk to the person/ people around. Avoid blaming, but do express, how their behaviour has made you feel. If you don't want to talk or can't for some reason, write a letter, till you reach a draft that satisfies you. you will know, because, you will suddenly exhale, you will feel a sense of relief. Pressing charges, lodging an FIR, anything according to the legal standing of the crime, do it. You need to for your own self, stand up for your self.

Why , do I feel this step is important , before true forgiveness can occur? I feel , unless you take the control back, unless you stand up for yourself and say STOP!! ENOUGH!! you will go around, your entire life, carrying a feeling of letting yourself down, letting another get away with things. You may think, you're maintaining peace in your home, or your family, or that you're protecting someone in the bargain. The truth is, you're not protecting, the most important person in your life. YOU. Trust me, once you take back the reins, in your hands, sometimes you realise, you don't want anything, not even an apology. The discomfort in you, all this while , was due to you not standing up for yourself. Sometimes, forgiveness, takes place automatically. Sometimes, the fight is longer, equations change. People who expected and demanded your subservience and acquiescence for granted, hate feeling challenged. Do you remember , how good it felt, to stand up to the school bully, even though, you lost the fight, how he never dared to bully you again. You remember, how sweet the pain from those injuries were, where as the previous ones were plain humiliating.

The standing up step, is only for you. Do not expect, the other person to understand. If they do, its an added bonus, if they don't, well they didn't earlier either. What has happened though, you broke the shackles, you walked away free. You cut the hold of those memories. You took back, your power, your energy, your control, back in your hands.

True forgiveness can only happen, when you stop letting the past hurt you. And for your sake, I hope, you will speak up. You will Stand up for your self. You will move past the fears that stop you from doing it so far. I only write, what I've put to practise, so I can tell you from experience, It liberates. Sometimes, it changes things for ever, sometimes demolishes certain exteriors,certain dynamics, yet , it give you back, something very precious..... your self respect, your self esteem....

Wednesday 21 December 2011

Emotional Vampires....

I am a bit baffled today. I've been fighting an internal war for the past few days. My dilemma on paper is very simple. I've been hurt by words, actions perhaps in my view point callousness of certain individuals very close to me.I'm not one to point fingers and play blame game. Usually I have a clear stand on such matters. Discuss the situation with the person, explain to them what and why I'm feeling hurt, see if they can accommodate my feeling and figure out a situation. I learnt it the very hard way, how to tackle energy vampires as I call them.

Energy Vampires according to me are people, who act or say things that deflate your energies. They may use the victims badge or use sarcasm or put you through the guilt trip, or plain criticise you. Energy vampires thrive on making you feel small, they pick on your self worth, every time something  good happens to you, they will remind you of the some incident that makes you feel like a loser. They use words to describe you or your choices in derogatory terms. They want you to cater to them, heir ego, you put up with their attitude, yet you get nothing in return.

Sadly enough, its people who are closest to you, perhaps your own family that turn into the worst Energy Vampires. Certain kinds of friends or lovers fit this category too. As I was saying, it took me years and years to learn how to recognise them. They shield themselves as well wishers garb , it fooled me for the longest time. They fool you with lines such as who else would I go to but you, once their requirement is met, they vanish leaving you feeling used and you feel foolish for falling for it every time. Over the years I learnt to recognise the uneasy feeling that grows in my stomach when an Energy Vampire is about to strike. I know I will be coerced into doing something I don''t want to do . I may do it to maintain peace, or because I feel obligated to be a good "whatever relation", I may be emotionally bulldozed. End of the day , I would end up saying yes , doing something I didn't want to do, spend time, money , emotions and come back end of the day drained physically, emotionally sometimes financially.

There is another type of Energy drainers, these people, have no regards for your feelings. No matter what you're going through in life, they are there to gnaw you. They fight with you over trivial things. As I was saying I started recognising when I was about to be sucked dry of my positive energies . I didn't know how to handle the situation or them. I would go into panic, I would try to evade them, my fear perhaps made them feel stronger. They pecked me more and more. I would cry. I felt so misunderstood. I never realised, they  were not interested in understanding me. They labelled me hyper sensitive and I believed them. I became more and more closed. I was so afraid of their comments, their labels. I thought if I was stoic enough, they would applaud me finally. I continued to maintain peace. I continued to be pushed further into the corner. I felt choked , I felt strangulated. They use rationale and logic to beat my emotions out of context. I never wanted to retaliate. Yet, this emotional bullying or perhaps plain insensitivity on their part was slowly making me hollow from inside. Just like a mite hollow out a wooden cupboard.

I tried, to them tell them to stay away. I no longer put up with some of them. I simply said, if you can't understand me, support me emotionally during these difficult days, at least don't add to my woes. Just stay out of my life. This technique worked for some time and with people who did not have any direct bearing to my immediate life. My dilemma today is, I still hate confrontations. I hate any form of fights.. I am uncomfortable with pointing fingers. I don't want to hurt anyone by the things I want to say or by telling them how they're hurting me. My dilemma is simple. I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to hurt any more. I don't like being taken for granted. I don't like being treated like a second class citizen. I don't like my emotions being trampled on. I want to be able to say NO. I want to say ENOUGH. I've tried walking away from the situation before, it keeps coming back. I have kept my peace. I have held my tongue, yet , things keep getting worse. Today , I have to take a stand, this might just set me free from feeling cornered forever. Yet I'm not sure how to do it. I'm not afraid. It might sound like that. I'm not. I just feel , some people are just how they are. I can accept them,as they are. Accepting them, loving them doesn't mean I have to say yes, when I feel I have been wronged. I know , matters such as this are very subjective. There is no single correct party. I may be over sensitive, I may be overly emotional. I may easily hurt, but that does not make me selfish, its called self preservation.




Tuesday 20 December 2011

Parent Trap 2...simple solutions

Continuing from Parent Trap, there are a few questions posed to me several times, in this blog I will attempt to give very simple solutions to everyday situations. I've practiced these from the time my son was younger than 6 months old. One has to remember to remain consistent, persistent and continue over the rolling ages.

One thing is certain, the sooner you start putting the following into application, the more effective they will be. I will state something very obvious, children NEED an established routine. It gives them a sense of security; it makes them understand their world better and it bring a sense of reassurance when they can predict what's coming next. You may see with your own children, they like to have the same breakfast every day. Children, need a regular sleep time, and they need up-to 12 hours of sleep to grow properly. This might mean for you serving an early dinner to your children. They are far less restless, edgy or cranky, when they've these two things, a regular bed time and familiarity in their routine. There are times when things happen, that is out of the routine, take time out to patiently explain to them in as much detail as possible of what is going to happen, what kind of people they might encounter. I remember, the first time I took my son on a bus ride. I explained to my four month old, the whole day. How different people may try to touch his cheeks, or look into his eyes, they might exclaim loudly etc, I explained the whole length of the journey. Not once did he cry, during the whole day. We just assume babies don't understand. Explain a doctor's visit; try not to transfer your fears to the child.

I cannot stress the importance of routine enough. It may make your life a tad dull; it may mean sacrificing dinner parties at home, in case you don't have a big house. The first 5-7 years of a child a very important. I think it’s worth the sacrifices and that your life has to revolve around his time-table, after all you wanted to experience parenthood. The child did not ask to be born!!!

The second most important thing I discovered was: Learn to convert your NOs to Yes!!!  A child will have all sorts of requests. It seems you only bomb him with No's one after another, “may I do this?” “No,” “that ?” “No”...all he hears is a chain of “No” “ No” “ No” “ No”, the first word you're teaching your precious is NO!! do I mean you should start saying yes to every demand, on the contrary, what I mean is find a way to say yes, “May i watch tv?”  “Yes, after you show me you've completed your homework”, “May I have chocolate?”, “Yes, after your lunch/dinner”, “May I visit my friend's house?”  “yes during the weekend, if his mother is ok with it...”  make your sentence positive. “May I have chewing gum?”  “yes once you 're 11 years old....” The second important thing here is, this is not a technique to fool them, you must remember what you've said and stick to your word. If you said you'd play with them in an hour, you must put aside what you're doing, even if its for 15 minutes and play. It teaches the child they can trust you, that it is important to fulfill promises. Children imitate you, all life long; remember your actions speak louder than words.....

Spending time with your children, where you're not pre-occupied, talking to them, telling them I love you frequently is very important. Do not crib in your later years that your child has no time for you, when in his childhood; you had no time for him....

One thing that parents, especially in India, feel completely lost about is how to deal with tantrums.  From, as early possible remember to reward good behavior and to punish the bad. By punishment I by no means advocate corporal punishment. I mean time outs, for very young children standing the corner or put in a safe place where they can't hurt themselves. Remember to leave the light on, as phobia of darkness is not something you intend for your child.  When the time out is over, explain in tender tones to the child in a language they will understand, without labeling them ( stupid, rude, impertinent, dumb)what it was that displeased you. Playing with a knife you could have hurt yourself. Always make sure you tell your child, just because I'm angry doesn't mean I don't love you, I am angry because...
 Rewarding good behavior means, praising the child for being well behaved in private and public, increasing their self worth by praising their attempts, encouraging them to do better, a grunt with next time get 90 percent is not motivational when a child proudly shows you 80% on his test paper. I used the star system and for every 10 stars in a month my child was allowed to buy books. Junk food is not a good reward, as it brings positive association with junk food in the child's brain. Giving personal time is the best reward; I will play extra half an hour if you remember to make your bed every day....Give your children options for rewards. Would you like to go the gaming center or see Tintin? It makes the children feel they have choices and helps them learn to take decisions....
 A huge deal is made about tantrums....here the parents are totally to blame. From a very young age, the child learns that every time he cries, even for things he's been sternly told a No, he will get it if he cries long and loud enough. Leave the child, don't argue, scold or react. Any reaction is a victory for the child, if he is throwing a tantrum in public, do not try to bribe him to hush him up or give in to demands, in fact the artifact for which the tantrum was thrown should not be given under any circumstances till he wins it back . Children will test your boundaries to check how serious you are about them. At the most what will happen, the child will cry. I tell parents so what, his lungs will get clear and perhaps stronger. Resist your own urge to give in, to restore the peace. This when applied from very young, and I mean when the child is nearing the age of one, it pays off. Laughing about bad behavior when they are very young, encourages them to repeat it, it doesn't matter your princess looked adorable when she said shut up as a two year old, you must never brag about it , with pride or laugh it off.
The last tip for today is never, ever, lie to your children. Don't lie that you've to go to a doctor when you're all dressed to go out with friends. Explain to them, that is your time. Explain about your individual space and needs to them. Do not lie about death, or sex or birth or that an injection won't hurt. Use as simple a language as possible to make them understand.

You are the first teacher in your child's life. How you shape them is up to you. Treat them as individuals, respect them and teach by example. If you want them to be honest, do it yourself, if you want respect, give it first, you want love, show it first, encourage what you want discourage what you don't. 6-7 years of your life, invested in good parenting won't kill you; you will be the winner of a child that grows into a sorted, secure and happy adult. You give life to an individual, give him the basics for a good life....happy parenting :)




Monday 19 December 2011

The Parent Trap....

The last two generations have suffered. They suffered as children of a generation that did not understand them, did not support their dreams, tried to use military rule in the house. Today, as parents themselves, they suffer, because they don't know how to set boundaries....

I may not have enough data to support my case here, and perhaps the demographics I have, ( my friends, classmates, colleagues, clients) are skewed. even so, I believe I tapped into something here. During my three years in Germany, parenthood, was an eye opener for me. Parents there knew how to set limits with an understanding, that children are individuals too. Every Individual, young or old, have certain basic needs, food, rest, safety, sex to name a few. They have individual thoughts, understanding, questions that need answering and dreams/desires. German parents seem to understand this very well.

I remember my first visit to the gynaecologist there, apart from my story, I was so impressed when I was informed that most mothers there, bring their daughters in for their check ups as well as get them on contraceptive pills. I  was , to be honest a bit scandalised and I spoke to my doctor about it. She explained to me, this one step ensures there are very rare cases of teenage pregnancies. It teaches the daughters to take responsibility for their bodies and their actions.

I met few girls,who got married very young, I found that odd, I thought they have so much freedom, why did they throw it all away? I spoke to one, who had married an Indian, she said, she fell in love, she had explored her sexuality, she was happy in her job, she was ready for marriage. I marvelled at her maturity at such a young age. In India, parents still insist on choosing your career and your spouse for you. They decide what age is appropriate for marriage. Suddenly people are getting married in their late 20s and even 30s, yet the parents believe their children have no sex drive.Mumbai, is perhaps one City here in India, where young people have an open sex life. I doubt they are open about it with their parents.

I remember when my first friend in Germany, broke up with her long term steady boy friend, she took leave from her studies and crashed at her parents place. She refused to go out to meet friends, stopped taking calls. Her parents nurtured her, they understood her pain. She was never broken to the extent I've seen Indian girls, because she had the cushion of her parents love and support. She knew they were there for her.

Another friend of my ex-husband and mine was the son of a very rich doctor there. They openly discussed death and his will. His two elder sisters and he, openly told their father, they would like to sell their huge house, because they would not live there and the money would help them start their lives. It was amazing how openly, and without malice children and parents there spoke about every thing under the sun. I wouldn't dare say a lot of things to my parents for fear of being called rude, impertinent, shameless and lot more things. I can never openly tell them when things they say and do hurt me. I can never expect them to understand forget support me in case of a broken heart. I know they will judge me by certain standard of decorum and "good girl" parameters from a different century.

The children of this generation, went to another extreme. They hated the boundaries that were so stifling. They couldn't rebel more than an extent,, and today , with their children they are just no boundaries. No limits to the toys, no bed time, I am not kidding when I say I've seen children 8 years and younger , out at restaurants and movie theatre past 12 or 1. I see them at wedding and parties. They throw tantrums, get cranky, the parents over indulgent swing into suddenly strict, confusing the child. Parents, allow the children to watch television shows with content of sexual nuances, double meaning jokes, violence, without explaining sex or the beautiful aspect of it to their children. Our boys grow up expecting all women to wear slinky clothes and be sex objects or dull , drab, ugly women with no men in their lives. Either their life is filled to the very hour , by extra curricular activities or they are just left to their own devices. The parents want to continue their lives, have fun , go partying, they want to work and enjoy the freedom. No one is willing to make sacrifices. Either maids end up raising the children, or the children are exposed to things they shouldn't be at a young age. Suddenly , you find your 12 year old demanding Iphones and calling you names and you wonder where you went wrong.

Do I have a solution to offer, yes I do, and it won't be popular . My solution is, make a choice, either you want to be a parent or you don't. In both conditions they are perks and then they are things you will miss out on. Both scenarios need sacrifices and commitment. This is one scenario where you shouldn't try to have the cake and eat it too.I agree children should make their own choices, yet when they young, they need to be taught by parents how to weigh the pros and cons, they must be taught about consequences. They must be taught to stick to their choice even when things get tough. Life is fun and beautiful but there are days when its rains, or there maybe harsh cold winters or scorching summers like India. It is a parents job to teach them how to deal with them. saying No is not a bad thing, it just needs to be explained logically as you would to another adult.



I have a lot more to say, this is one topic I can go on and on, so,....part 2 coming up :)