Friday, 3 February 2012

Staying friends with ex...

I want to stay friends with my ex.....I understand this sentiment very well. I have been on both sides of the coin. I personally am an advocate of this sentiment . To be honest, if not friends, I'm still on very good terms with all of my exes. I can warn you, it is a double edged sword, you're planning to walk on, if this is the path you chose to walk on.

Most people prefer to make a clean break, I think its easier not only for the two people there but for their future partners as well.The thing with friendship with exes is, one of them always ends up using it as a foot inside the door, for an opportunity to slip back inside. Second of all, its very hard to become platonic, once you've shared intimacy, unless, lack of chemistry was the problem to begin with.Not only does the history and the bad memory of the break up hinder, any possible healthy friendship, it also confuses, the rejected person and the person you are dating now. A warning here is, a lot of people use this friendship to use the person  they rejected as a safety net for times when they are low, lonely or plain horny.

If there are true intentions of keeping friendship, which according to me, should be something to aspire for , there are a few things  to keep in mind. One thing to start with, ensure, both of you have actually gotten over each other and moved on in life. Second off all, all issues have been dealt with, no resentments or hopes are lingering and the break up has been forgiven. I do not advice anyone to use another or to be used, knowingly or unknowingly. Its actually advisable to take a complete break from each other, to let it register to your brain and heart, that part of the relationship is over. It can take 6 months to a year, before you are ready for the switching  roles. If you still feel upset, jealous or possessive, take more time away, because you clearly haven't gotten over.

Another important thing to remember, when roles change, rules change. You will no longer have the same kind of liberties or right over exclusivity, caring, attention or on belongings and definitely not on their time. They will have a different set of priorities now, like their new partner or themselves. They did break up with you for a reason, which they will seek else where. You may no longer hang out as much as before. Your friends may be confused how much to share information with each of you. Its best to chalk out clear rules. This conversation should include new privacy terms, what you both are comfortable talking about, what activities would you like to do together, what group of friends would you like to still spend time together with, make clear rules regarding your new partners, what information are you willing to share, what will you do , in case they have problem with you two staying friends.

There are a lot of relationships, that are too precious to let go. The person is so special, and you've shared so much together, just because of a few differences you can't hate them or cut them out of your lives altogether. I totally understand that. A few simple rules, communication and drawing the line helps. Some times, the ex is your ex husband, you stay in touch for the sake of your children. Again, I can't agree more, that just because the marriage didn't work, it doesn't mean that your friendship or acquaintance-ship can't. Just remember no digging up the past, the reason you broke up , for it to work, you have to let go of the negativity. Don't carry it around. That is over. Be respectful with each other, be very articulate in your communications, be firm with where you draw the lines, always be polite.

Friendship may not mean best friends forever, or that they will share everything with you, it means, you have a history together that binds you and sometimes you're the only one who will understand some aspects of them. And yet some people are just not worth the effort, the kind of people who do not appreciate you when you were with them, they won't appreciate you after either. To expect those kind of people to change and be there for you, even as a friend, is setting yourself up for further hurt. If you do chose to become friends, make sure old patterns are not repeating, patterns of using you, taking you for granted, not respecting your space and time, these are clues, this person is just being selfish.

If someone does not respond positively to your overtures of remaining friends clearly indicates, they are still holding onto the past and in a negative way. Don't try, it will just make their walls up higher against you.

Don't try to be friends, to try and squeeze in again or be there to find a weak moment to re-kindle your relationship, or be there so that they realise your importance in their life. Respect, clear communication and clear rules are the tools to build a lasting positive relationship with your ex, in the healthiest possible manner. make sure you heal yourself first, release all negativity , anger and resentments and then cheers to a beautiful new phase.

There is no reason ,the form of a relationship can't change. Like every other relationship, both have to want it, both have to work for it.I believe, relationships may change but love lingers on, its best to keep love as is, rather than change it to hate or a festering wound. It could not have been love, if it ends, if the relationship you desired didn't work out the way you wanted it to... love is love, it stays the same, find a shape, which brings both of you happiness. I do believe love is not love that changes with time, distance or change in definition. Love is eternal, love is beautiful... let love remain that a beautiful emotion, love is not a relationship. That is the biggest mis-understanding, people want love to be a relationship, its an ingredient, its an emotion...that makes any relationship possible...

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