Thursday, 10 May 2012

Are you sabotaging your relationships?

This blog is long over due, I've been meaning to write it along with my other relationship based blogs, but somehow, it always seemed to take a back seat.  A lot of times, we are in repetitive relationships, with similar dramas unfolding time after time. We do get into relationships with certain expectations and yet somewhere we are to blame for a failed relationship. We are the ones who unconsciously jeopardize and sabotage our own relationships. There are a few phrases I'll be using so let me first explain them.
These profiles may seem to describe you or your partner, however, it doesn't not imply a bad relationship. These are merely broad strokes for very difficult relationships where the balance is missing.

The settler : This person, usually have a superiority complex, yet underneath the surface, they have extremely fragmented personalities and deep rooted fears. These fears generally become focused on commitment phobia,perfectionism, too much emphasis on organization, planning, discipline, achievements and if they have one on their careers. The reason I call them settlers, is because they almost always are found in relationships with people, they believe they have "settled for". Their egos tell them they deserved better, yet because of their deep rooted fears, they never actually manifest a relationship with someone who is an equal. Since they have a deep rooted need to be in control, they always build a relationship with someone they perceive as "lesser" than them, it could be in looks, monetary status or popularity. This type of personality may also manifest in  savior type of personality. They stay with you, as long as you are in deep shit. The moment you start over coming your problems and sort yourself out, they bail on you. They love to feed on the fact , that you "need" them.

The Reacher: To play a perfect match with the settlers are the personalities I call "the reachers". They are aware of their failings , yet, they usually make unreachable goals, with an ideal romantic partner in their heads, that will never come true, or get into a relationship with a settler to gain a kind of approval that they are "good enough". The reachers, however, seldom show lack of confidence. The settlers in fact are drawn to them, because of their apparent self worth, which the settlers wish they could have. The reachers over the years develop techniques to make them appear charming, funny or a great listener. Their inner most fear is to be rejected once their failings become apparent.

The Needy: As the name suggests, these personalities, uses their constant weakness as a hook to keep their relationships going. They act helpless,lost and hapless in most situations. The "Needy" personality feeds the ego of any one who needs constant approval and appreciation, they don't mind being chided or even been subversive towards their spouse. It seems they thrive on not knowing anything about anything. They beam as they tell you, how all they major decisions and other matters such as plumbing etc are taken care of by the people they are in a relationship with you. In males you can call them Peter Pans.

The Players: These are people terrified of responsibilities, answerabilty and commitments of any form. You will find they seldom have a desk, or corporate job. They only have flings or affairs, yet they chose only very emotionally vulnerable people to have these briefs "relationships" with. They cover their traumas with a megalomaniac persona, they love the drama and theatrics of wooing, the chase and the seduction. They have no understanding of the mechanics of a long term relationships and are callous to the feelings and needs of others. They appear to like babies, they sleep, eat, have sex and play only as and when they feel like it.

The Sexy: Their story is, they portray, "my face/body" is my fortune. They love the perks of being attractive, yet deep down, they want to be seen as much more than their body or face. They have become lazy to work for something deep and yet feel dejected when someone wants a shallow relationship with them.

There are several more such categories, however, the thing to note here is, they are all dysfunctional. They ll of deep rooted fears, insecurities and phobias. There are generally traumas from childhood that have triggered these traits in them. One thing in common with all of them, no matter what role they chose to play or what their drama script is, they all will do just about anything to maintain the control in their life. They like predictability in their relationships. Even the victims or the needy, maintains control, by knowing exactly how something will play out.

Now coming to the topic, so how do we sabotage our relationships. If asked, almost everyone reading this will say, they want a happy, mutual, nurturing relationship. So what goes wrong? We sabotage our relationships, they exact same way ,how we get into them. If you're a settler, the very reason you "settled" starts to irk you. You find a fault with everything the spouse does or doesn't do. You always want more. You want your partner to become worthy of you, and nothing is good enough.

A reacher will spend most of his/her life looking for someone who is much above his/her reach. This ends up in facing rejection after rejection, their self esteem falls lower and they end up trying even harder. They set the bar so high that either they end up alone, become a settler or worse get involved with a settler. In all the scenarios, they have sabotaged their relationship, the very day they started it.

The needy, who made the partner feel so good initially , starts making them feel like a handy man or a governess and that leads to conflicts.

The players obviously play, break hearts and skip to the next person, ending up alone or maintaining a facade of a relationship as age slows down their game.

To be in a wholesome relationship, their is one thing you need first, to be whole from inside. One needs to understand from the patterns what the problem might be. Check your premise for fear of being good enough, am I worthy, commitment, trust, responsibility. The only way to over come fears is to face them head on. To not quit, when the situation becomes exactly what you feared and continue as though it isn't there. Here is a mantra, in the thick of the script that keeps repeating, keep chanting in your head " Detach from the drama", keep breathing and keep chanting. You will be able to see like a fly on the wall, what is the core of an issue. The arguments are seldom the real issues. Its generally the opposite of the words being said.
"You don't love me" generally translates into tell me you love me and this issue is trivial for you.
"You do as I say" translates into I'm so afraid of all the changes I need to maintain control or I'll scurry back to my safety net ( my single status)
If you pay attention , really closely,  words, phrases are constantly repeated. They give you a clue, to what the inner drama you are a part of.

We sabotage our relationships, out of one fear, failing. It may have many branches and story line. The base line is, we do not want to fail. If we do not get what we want, its best we bail and go back to the  safety of our solitary. We justify our actions by validating our prejudices. The thing to remember here is , the other person did exactly what they've been doing all along, the very reason we got together with them in the first place. No ones true nature can change. What we can change is our levels of acceptance. We can heal our own traumas, face our own fears. We need to understand our needs before we can pass judgements on the failings of others. No person is perfect, not in looks, nature, wealth, health or any other way. Our spouse, is not a validation or reflection of our success or failure. When we stop looking to get validation from the society, our parents or family via our spouse and learn to accept them, we will be able to stop playing games and actually focus on making our relationship work. When we sabotage our relationships, we are only validating one thing, our deepest fears. We may project them on the people we have been with so far, she was too clingy, too demanding, too controlling, too needy, too angry, too fat, too thin, too lazy, too busy, too dark, too fair, it only reflects a void within us. A void within you, that was filled by their weakness. Acceptance helps you, see them in a wholesome light. It helps you and them to work together, in a co-dependent manner in making weakness into strengths.

It does not matter, if you're playing a role. What matters is becoming a victim to the games we play. Balance comes about only with acceptance. Acceptance of self and the other and a deep understanding of our need for the games we are playing.....

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