Friday, 27 January 2012

I need Help!!!

I need Help.... the shortest phrases in the world are most difficult to say. Its difficult to say No, to say I'm sorry, and I have found, most of us, no matter what the circumstances maybe like, just find it too damn hard to say....I NEED help....Not only is asking for help hard, but, if someone comes to us and offer us help, we can never bring our-self to say, Yes, thank-you. Our "pride", just doesn't allow us, to accept, we in fact are in a vulnerable situation, our burden could be taken  care of, if we could just accept help.

Before, I go on to explain why it is so difficult and how we must ask for help, I would rather, go to another aspect of help. The person, with all good intention of helping, more often than not, ends up not helping. Here is why. People, who love to help others, are usually doing it, to feel needed. They end up helping not for the sake of the other person, but to feel good that they are helping. What this leads to is, they don't listen, and, they don't ask. To genuinely help someone, you first need to know and understand, what exactly do they need, and are you capable of giving it. For example, when I became a new mother and my wounds had not healed, the help I was looking for was for things like cleaning the carpets or washing the dishes. These were strenuous exercises, which I did not feel up to physically, having lost a lot of blood and my stitches not healing as fast as they should. I was in the hospital for ten days due to this and my house was a mess. Being a new mom, I was extremely protective and possessive of my baby, as all new mothers ,who have been isolated during their pregnancy will understand. The people around, me insisted on taking my baby from me, thinking they were helping me by holding him, as I could then do the house work. I wish, they would have asked, what I would have liked , rather than impose upon me, what they thought was help.

A person who wants to help, has to first put aside, his ego's pleasure of being needed. They need to ask how may I help and then listen. Sometimes, all the help one wants, is a hearing ear. Sometimes, the help required is as simple as taking the dog for a walk, sometimes, its as complicated as loaning money. Its alright to say NO, if , the help is something you can't give. You may not have the money to give or you may be afraid of dogs. Its better to say No, in the first place, than find excuses later. That leads to feeling of being let down.

Now coming back to asking for help. I have learnt, it the hard way, it alright to ask for help. For the longest time, my finances were all over, or should I say all under the place....yet, I could not bring myself to ask any one for help. I just couldn't. Any time a friends would ask, if I needed something, my heart would tell me, talk, ask, yet a sense of shame would over come me.i would feel small. I felt like I had failed. I felt, as an adult, I should be able to take care of my affairs, financial, emotional, whatever. I seriously needed to be bailed out, yet I couldn't bring myself to say yes. I would want someone to come and just hand me a wad of money, without me asking.... I had to eat the humble pie, or so I thought at that point, when I just couldn't make it on my own. I had to ask my dad to support me. With no alimony, my child with me, no job, there was no way i could break out of my mess.It was a great learning experience for me. Two friends of mine, one cousin and my childhood friend, also pitched in a couple of times. I will never forget how overwhelmed i felt with pure gratitude. I over came, my ego, that told me, I needed to be self reliant at every moment of my life.

I learnt, we all need to fight out own battles, yet its okay, to request for back up. Its okay and not to be taken personally if someone turns down your request for help. You never know what battle they are in the midst of. Seeking help from a professional, is never a sign of weakness, it does not indicate you can't cope with your problems, it means, you need a certain clarity, which you're not able to get, since you're in the middle of the storm, you get an outsider' perspective.

If you're the one, seeking help, just try not to get addicted, or use help as an easy way out, As a helper, try to keep in mind, to keep out the well meaning lectures  , it just makes the other person feel smaller than he/she already is. Both parties must makes the rules very clear, in case of loaning a place to stay or money etc. Be very clear, how far you are willing to go, for how long. Set your boundaries from the word go. You don't need to become a victim yourself, in order to help someone.For those getting help, please ask, how you can repay. Its called energy exchange. Perhaps, you have some talent that could benefit the other person. Both need to remember , to remain humble. The roles can change any time in life. Gratitude and grace are the emotions required in both parties. Gratitude, you are in a position to help someone, gratitude that the universe has someone to help you. Grace, comes from a place of humility, and the knowing-ness

Sure, asking for help may be difficult. You may think, it means you're incapable, you may feel you will be in the favour of that someone, you may feel shame or guilt. Remember, we all are human. We all go through the ups and downs in life. Not money,power, health, happiness stays the same for anyone, all the time. We've all been there. Trust the universe to bring you the perfect person, or opportunity to help you out, ask for it and when its offered, say yes, thank you.

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