Saturday, 14 April 2012

Waiting for our dues......

My husband says, a process is always more interesting than the outcome. I don't know about that. I do know, when you're in the middle of a process, your mind can leave you in a tizzy. A process seems endless, and a lot of time you end up wondering if anything is worth it? The process, be it of farming, or looking for a job, or a spiritual conquest. The journey always is unpredictable, it throws you off the track, it shakes up your assumptions, it brings forth suppressed fears. One of the biggest fears, we all face regarding one aspect or another, I notice in usually two areas of life monetary and relationships. We have deep rooted beliefs, we don't deserve better. We attract situations to validate this belief, then we try our best to overcome, every obstacle we have manifested / attracted but deny to our self permanent victories.

My first marriage was a lonely one. Trust me; there is nothing worse than a lonely marriage. It damages everything, from your self esteem, to your capacity to enjoy any of life's pleasure. The scars remain with you, no matter how much time has passed. Yesterday, I had an epiphany. I understood, why although I’ve forgiven, let go of my past, released anger, there was always one part of me lingering in the past. A part of me that felt unfulfilled and empty, like it needed something. I understood, most of us, wait for the very same thing, all our lives, without being able to pin-point, what it is that still hooks us with our past.

 It is the desire for justice. By justice I do not mean the front row to karmic payback. The suffering of those, who were our perpetrators, gives us no relief. We do not seek revenge, though we may day dream of it from time to time. What I mean by justice, is compensation. You do a job, with full dedication, hard work, using all your talents, at the end of the month; your compensation is your pay cheque. It becomes your right. When that is denied to you, you keep waiting for it, sometimes you ask for it, when it doesn't come, anger, resentment and several other negative emotions fill your heart. For everything we do, there is a consequence, there is also a something that becomes due to you, and it becomes your right. Sure we all have been taught to do our Karmas and not desire the fruit. We may drop the desire, yet our subconscious also knows when we have been denied, something that was rightfully ours.

 We may not be aware, we're waiting for an apology, a letter of gratitude, payment for our work, equal rights, equal love and attention from your parents, a right to express our inner most thoughts, we may be waiting for our turn to come, or a break to prove our self, maybe all we are waiting for is for someone to truly understand us and love and accept us the way we are. All our spiritual tools help us shrug off most negative emotional charges, they help us focus on the good we have, to seek the blessings in our current situations, but none can take away the charge from truth. Truth is light itself. Our rights, our dues, our compensations are truths, that our mind may not grasp or word but our heart knows and so does so does our  sub conscious. This waiting keeps us hooked to the past, regardless of all our attempts to get over, move on, get past.

Someone ones asked me, why I still talk about my ex-husband. If, I have forgiven him, and moved on? Yes its true, most of my wounds have healed. Yet, I understood last night, I'm still waiting for some compensation, due to me, due to the wife, who gave up so much of herself, came out shards of her former self. Compensation for the trust betrayed. Compensation for her goodness that went un-noticed, unrewarded. Compensation, for the fact, that I continued to believe goodness of his heart. It’s not only him. A lot of situations in life makes one feel that way. As though, the very universe has denied you, your dues. Especially, when you never lost hope, or faith, when you continued to do everything by the book and yet, your struggles never end.

Today, what I've written, is a process. A sorting, if you must, and understanding, that is beginning to emerge. What the end result or deduction will be, I do not know. The solution to how to let go of this desire for compensation, I have yet to understand, yet I found, the insight interesting enough to share. Perhaps, like me, all you're waiting for, is compensation or your dues. I will ask you, what I asked myself...Is the waiting helping me or anybody, in any way? Is it worth it? Is it worth repeating drama patterns, just so you can feel validated? If you knew you were right, why do you need any one, including the universe to pat you on the back and say good job? I don't have too many answers right now, but the insight is important. And more important for me was the realization, NO, it’s not worth it, any hook from the past, positive or negative, is taking away the charge from my NOW, from my present, and that is not worth it.

I did find an affirmation, in the book of Louise Hay, I'm sharing it with you, with alterations I've made to it. I hope it will help you and it will help me. " I release the past and allow myself to heal every area of my life NOW, I release all hooks, tying me to the past, Now, with blessings and gratitude, for all the things it enriched me with. I release, Now, the need for the patterns to repeat” (or any other need, such as poverty, unstable relationships, lack of intimacy, victimization etc )
With faith and grace.....

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