Thursday, 19 April 2012

What stress did to me.....

Today I noticed something I have over looked while introspecting myself and my life for repetitive patterns. I saw I was a working woman when i was trying to sustain something, ie my independence or regaining my independence after my separation. I was under huge stress at the time. I was living with a lot of responsibilities post that time period, as a single mom.Life as we all know doesn't have single track story lines, so you can imagine the levels of stress were very high. My life, every day was a long long list of things to do. Every minute of the day was filled. To wake up the next day and start all over. I lived in constant stress financially,emotionally and physically. I pushed and pushed myself.

Do you know what happened, when finally the time came, when some of the stress eased off. I agree all my problems didn't vanish . However, the more I practised my tools, life did become less stressful. I learnt to handle situations better. I learnt not to take comments seriously, from people who haven't taken the time to know me. Yet marriage does kind of reduce emotional insecurities to an extent. The financial load is also kind of divided. I suddenly started having more time at hand, and this time was not being spent, preventing or putting out any fires. It was just, free time!!! Do you know what it did to me? I started getting bored. I had always been solving problems, was on my toes morning to night and constantly figuring out things. Now I had a chance to lie back and do nothing. I started feeling worthless. Not literally but the nearest explanation I can find to explain the kind of boredom i was feeling. I berated myself for being laid back, not using the time constructively, finding problems real or imaginary to solve.

It took a long good hard look at myself to realise, maybe I was so used to stress, I couldn't enjoy a life without it. I constantly needed something to solve or do to feel good. I know, thing things are not yet that good, that I can afford all the things I wanted to do. ie: I've always wanted to learn pottery and guitar lessons. First I need to be able to afford the classes and the instruments required. I know, all in good time. Yet, I was fretting about but my hours are being spent idle and that resulted in me actually not accomplishing much during the day.

I remember the time, writing a short story was so easy for me, all I had to do was lie down and let my imagination take over and there I had short story of the day. my first short story got published when I was just 16!!! Now when I lie back, I have a purpose in my mind, an idea must come, I must channelise, I just have to write. The pressure took away all the pleasure and my imagination shut its door on my face.

I realise today, there is a time and place for everything. Discipline is good, pro action is good, hard work is good, being constructive is good, but its better to live, to enjoy every part of the process, and not to rush things that makes doing anything worthwhile. Stress is not only bad for health, it causes burnout. Its important to take a deep breath and remind our self, everything is not a matter of life and death. Though initially anxiety may seem to be fuel to you, as it pushes you to do more and more, better and better, remember stress and anxiety use you as their fuel. Soon, you will be just an empty shell. I find my CFS ( chronic fatigue syndrome) was a blessing in disguise. I did only things on need to do basis, gave rest to my body, mind and heart. As i got better, I started doing things just to enjoy the process. There was no binding compulsion to write everyday and weirdly I started writing almost everyday.

Today, I am grateful for realising, how much stress was eating away at me. I'm grateful for the tools I have, that I can use to release it. I am thankful for the reminder life is beautiful, but only for those who stop to take in the beauty of life.Stress only side-blinds you, never allowing you to see the beauty on the roadside, your fellow passengers or the beautiful sky lines. The more I let go of stress, the more beauty I allow in my life.....

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