Wednesday, 23 November 2011

I feel invisible....

A girl in her teens, blossoming, radiant, chirpy, gregarious.... as soon as she reaches home, her phone starts to ring. Her parents are exasperated. You've just met your friends , what do you talk about so much?? Eventual she is given her own land-line, so that the father can make his official calls. Boys throng around her, someone gifts her bouquets, some kababs, some audio cassettes, greeting cards, odd trinkets, show pieces... girls love to hang out with her, she is surrounded by friends and admirers. She gets married. The wooers melt away. The girl friends get married too and settle into their new lives. With jobs, husbands, in-laws and then kids , there is no time to make frivolous phone calls. She tries to make new friends in the new country, its not the same. The level of attention is not the same. After her divorce, she is popular again. Most men hang around in the hope of a fling, after all like one man said " I don't want a free 14" inch with the 36" inch" referring to my son.

I am the youngest in my immediate family. My father a Capricorn, my brother a Leo, my sister a scorpion. All are head strong. My sister being the eldest had her position secure in the family, my brother being the only son had his position marked too. I was the youngest. From both sides of my family, father's and mother's , even in the extended family I was always the youngest. Later as a student of psychology, I would learn how my personality got shaped due to this factor. I turned into a kind of people pleaser. I so desperately wanted to be loved, accepted, I so wanted my own place in the hierarchy. It became very important for me to make an impression. At home, being the youngest often implies , one has to listen to elders , if you argue, you're impertinent, if you answer back, you are rude, cheeky, bullish, God know how many title I earned just because I wanted to be heard. I had opinions too.

I got married. Twice, both times my husband were the eldest in their family. My boy friend was the only son. These men who we secure in their places in the hierarchy did not understand my constant need for approval. I wanted to know what their parents thought of me, their uncles, aunts, friends, colleagues, perhaps even their maid :) Men who lead their teams, have careers,, generally don't care what other's don't think about them,  other's opinion all that much. They are super achievers, A type personalities. I began to understand. It was this self assured-ness in them that drew me to them. Their confidence, their defiance, their devil may care attitude. Here all my life I was trying to gain approval and it never came, the more I tried the further it seemed to slip away. I never seemed to do anything right.

My Aunts all tell me I'm their pet, yes after two marriages all paramours have skipped town, my friends are busy, I left my job to take care of my son and now I'm trying to build our family with my new husband. I feel I lead a pretty fulfilling life. I paint, write, heal, guide, I cook an above all I spread love and hope. yes I feel everything is fine, all has finally fallen in place, yet, sometimes, a tiny part of me, when i go to my classes, meet relatives or go home, that part of me still feels invisible. I sometimes still feel invisible.

There will a lot of you, my readers , who identify. This cloak of invisibility may come due to various factors and in many forms. The point is this cloak is self worn, by you ,me all of us who feel this way. Like a puppy chasing its own tail, we clamor for something that is already our own. We need not look to fit in, to be seen, for validation / recognition of our existence, the Lord has shaped each of his flowers, individually and beautifully. A teacher of mine once wrote, in nature, each flowers grows beautifully, indifferent to applause. Today , as I write this post, my conquest is still work- under -progress. I've conquered a lot bigger problems in life, this is a matter of just changing the looking glass.

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