Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Before Forgiveness...

I am writing, exactly after one week today. I didn't write, because I was in the process of assimilating, and putting into practise, certain understanding, accumulated over the past few years. A lot is said and written and preached about forgiveness. I find the following line, the most beautiful, regarding forgiveness. "Forgiveness, is letting go of the hope, that the past was different". This sentence holds a books worth of meaning in it. Forgiveness does not mean condoning. Forgiveness doesn't mean approving what happened, Forgiveness doesn't mean becoming friends.It definitely doesn't imply what happened was okay!! It just means, letting go, of the wish, certain things didn't happen. They did happen. The only thing, you can change about it, is the hold, it has on your heart/mind. Today, I'm not going to write more on forgiveness. Forgiveness, is liberating, its beautiful, I believe true forgiveness, heals you.....

Today, I'm going to write about , the one step before forgiveness happens. This step, most people assume, everyone knows and hence, its hardly, written or spoken about. Before forgiveness can occur, at any level ( in your mind, in your heart, in reality or at the soul level where you make peace), its important, to take back the control. Take back your control. The control, that you loose, in a situation, obviously traumatic to you, no matter what others point of view might be. I mean from a freak accident, to a murdered family member,  rape, abuse from peers, family or colleagues. Physical, sexual, emotional any form of abuse or suppression. When an individual feels cheated, abused, there is a level of control that's taken away from us. We are all aware, we are never truly in control of anything in life. Yet, the rage that fills us, comes from the factor that, we were left helpless and unable to do anything in return. This feeling of helplessness leads to a rage, that in turn makes it impossible to forgive or forget. We play things over and over and over and over, in our heads, revenge plans, what you'd say, if you got the chance, how you wish a certain person would die the most horrible death, or be damned in hell. We wish we could have done something.

Here are few things I find, help in taking back, that lost energy or control to that situation. The first, as in everything, is to accept. Accept, its happened, or happening. NOTHING, can change that fact. Second, acknowledge, how it makes you feel. Third, and the one I'm writing about today, Take a stand.

Take a stand, especially, if its a long term abuse of any kind, if its verbal, physical, a spouse who has cheated on you, a right of yours that was denied, anything at all, sometimes it can be , you feel unappreciated, you feel taken for granted. The situations can vary. The level of seriousness, you will know, because, you are experiencing, the tightness in your chest, your head is repeating the scenario over and over again, you are losing sleep over it, you are the one holding back the tears and choking on them. NO ONE else should tell you, if its a big or small deal. Now you must Make a stand. If you can, talk to the person/ people around. Avoid blaming, but do express, how their behaviour has made you feel. If you don't want to talk or can't for some reason, write a letter, till you reach a draft that satisfies you. you will know, because, you will suddenly exhale, you will feel a sense of relief. Pressing charges, lodging an FIR, anything according to the legal standing of the crime, do it. You need to for your own self, stand up for your self.

Why , do I feel this step is important , before true forgiveness can occur? I feel , unless you take the control back, unless you stand up for yourself and say STOP!! ENOUGH!! you will go around, your entire life, carrying a feeling of letting yourself down, letting another get away with things. You may think, you're maintaining peace in your home, or your family, or that you're protecting someone in the bargain. The truth is, you're not protecting, the most important person in your life. YOU. Trust me, once you take back the reins, in your hands, sometimes you realise, you don't want anything, not even an apology. The discomfort in you, all this while , was due to you not standing up for yourself. Sometimes, forgiveness, takes place automatically. Sometimes, the fight is longer, equations change. People who expected and demanded your subservience and acquiescence for granted, hate feeling challenged. Do you remember , how good it felt, to stand up to the school bully, even though, you lost the fight, how he never dared to bully you again. You remember, how sweet the pain from those injuries were, where as the previous ones were plain humiliating.

The standing up step, is only for you. Do not expect, the other person to understand. If they do, its an added bonus, if they don't, well they didn't earlier either. What has happened though, you broke the shackles, you walked away free. You cut the hold of those memories. You took back, your power, your energy, your control, back in your hands.

True forgiveness can only happen, when you stop letting the past hurt you. And for your sake, I hope, you will speak up. You will Stand up for your self. You will move past the fears that stop you from doing it so far. I only write, what I've put to practise, so I can tell you from experience, It liberates. Sometimes, it changes things for ever, sometimes demolishes certain exteriors,certain dynamics, yet , it give you back, something very precious..... your self respect, your self esteem....


  1. .... wallowing in the quagmire of self pity , actually does not take us anywhere ... so "MOVE ON" and to do so effectively ... this article emphasizes without mincing any words.... though such clarity of the self is difficult to achieve .. but better go through the rough than being stuck there for eternity ... superb writing ..

  2. I always knew forgiving is important... but sometimes it becomes very difficult to do so... I must say what you have mentioned does make sense.. unless and untill the thing which has hurt you is solved, forgiving can never taking a stance and standing up for self is important... very good writing on something no body talks about (how to forgive)...