Parent Trap 2...simple solutions

Continuing from Parent Trap, there are a few questions posed to me several times, in this blog I will attempt to give very simple solutions to everyday situations. I've practiced these from the time my son was younger than 6 months old. One has to remember to remain consistent, persistent and continue over the rolling ages.

One thing is certain, the sooner you start putting the following into application, the more effective they will be. I will state something very obvious, children NEED an established routine. It gives them a sense of security; it makes them understand their world better and it bring a sense of reassurance when they can predict what's coming next. You may see with your own children, they like to have the same breakfast every day. Children, need a regular sleep time, and they need up-to 12 hours of sleep to grow properly. This might mean for you serving an early dinner to your children. They are far less restless, edgy or cranky, when they've these two things, a regular bed time and familiarity in their routine. There are times when things happen, that is out of the routine, take time out to patiently explain to them in as much detail as possible of what is going to happen, what kind of people they might encounter. I remember, the first time I took my son on a bus ride. I explained to my four month old, the whole day. How different people may try to touch his cheeks, or look into his eyes, they might exclaim loudly etc, I explained the whole length of the journey. Not once did he cry, during the whole day. We just assume babies don't understand. Explain a doctor's visit; try not to transfer your fears to the child.

I cannot stress the importance of routine enough. It may make your life a tad dull; it may mean sacrificing dinner parties at home, in case you don't have a big house. The first 5-7 years of a child a very important. I think it’s worth the sacrifices and that your life has to revolve around his time-table, after all you wanted to experience parenthood. The child did not ask to be born!!!

The second most important thing I discovered was: Learn to convert your NOs to Yes!!!  A child will have all sorts of requests. It seems you only bomb him with No's one after another, “may I do this?” “No,” “that ?” “No”...all he hears is a chain of “No” “ No” “ No” “ No”, the first word you're teaching your precious is NO!! do I mean you should start saying yes to every demand, on the contrary, what I mean is find a way to say yes, “May i watch tv?”  “Yes, after you show me you've completed your homework”, “May I have chocolate?”, “Yes, after your lunch/dinner”, “May I visit my friend's house?”  “yes during the weekend, if his mother is ok with it...”  make your sentence positive. “May I have chewing gum?”  “yes once you 're 11 years old....” The second important thing here is, this is not a technique to fool them, you must remember what you've said and stick to your word. If you said you'd play with them in an hour, you must put aside what you're doing, even if its for 15 minutes and play. It teaches the child they can trust you, that it is important to fulfill promises. Children imitate you, all life long; remember your actions speak louder than words.....

Spending time with your children, where you're not pre-occupied, talking to them, telling them I love you frequently is very important. Do not crib in your later years that your child has no time for you, when in his childhood; you had no time for him....

One thing that parents, especially in India, feel completely lost about is how to deal with tantrums.  From, as early possible remember to reward good behavior and to punish the bad. By punishment I by no means advocate corporal punishment. I mean time outs, for very young children standing the corner or put in a safe place where they can't hurt themselves. Remember to leave the light on, as phobia of darkness is not something you intend for your child.  When the time out is over, explain in tender tones to the child in a language they will understand, without labeling them ( stupid, rude, impertinent, dumb)what it was that displeased you. Playing with a knife you could have hurt yourself. Always make sure you tell your child, just because I'm angry doesn't mean I don't love you, I am angry because...
 Rewarding good behavior means, praising the child for being well behaved in private and public, increasing their self worth by praising their attempts, encouraging them to do better, a grunt with next time get 90 percent is not motivational when a child proudly shows you 80% on his test paper. I used the star system and for every 10 stars in a month my child was allowed to buy books. Junk food is not a good reward, as it brings positive association with junk food in the child's brain. Giving personal time is the best reward; I will play extra half an hour if you remember to make your bed every day....Give your children options for rewards. Would you like to go the gaming center or see Tintin? It makes the children feel they have choices and helps them learn to take decisions....
 A huge deal is made about tantrums....here the parents are totally to blame. From a very young age, the child learns that every time he cries, even for things he's been sternly told a No, he will get it if he cries long and loud enough. Leave the child, don't argue, scold or react. Any reaction is a victory for the child, if he is throwing a tantrum in public, do not try to bribe him to hush him up or give in to demands, in fact the artifact for which the tantrum was thrown should not be given under any circumstances till he wins it back . Children will test your boundaries to check how serious you are about them. At the most what will happen, the child will cry. I tell parents so what, his lungs will get clear and perhaps stronger. Resist your own urge to give in, to restore the peace. This when applied from very young, and I mean when the child is nearing the age of one, it pays off. Laughing about bad behavior when they are very young, encourages them to repeat it, it doesn't matter your princess looked adorable when she said shut up as a two year old, you must never brag about it , with pride or laugh it off.
The last tip for today is never, ever, lie to your children. Don't lie that you've to go to a doctor when you're all dressed to go out with friends. Explain to them, that is your time. Explain about your individual space and needs to them. Do not lie about death, or sex or birth or that an injection won't hurt. Use as simple a language as possible to make them understand.

You are the first teacher in your child's life. How you shape them is up to you. Treat them as individuals, respect them and teach by example. If you want them to be honest, do it yourself, if you want respect, give it first, you want love, show it first, encourage what you want discourage what you don't. 6-7 years of your life, invested in good parenting won't kill you; you will be the winner of a child that grows into a sorted, secure and happy adult. You give life to an individual, give him the basics for a good life....happy parenting :)