Saturday, 17 December 2011

Holiday blues....

Holidays are supposed to be fun. Most holidays come around some festival. Along with the festival comes certain expectations. Valentine day, this festival, albeit not an Indian one, stresses out so many single people in the metropolitan cities.I remember being extremely upset , each year (after my divorce), on this particular day. I'd imagine all young couple making romantic gestures, giving each other special gifts, proposals, candle lit dinners and feel really sorry for myself. The shows on television make it worse, they play rom-coms one after the other, pink hearts from newspapers to shops and on television, its get quite sickening, if you're not in the frame of mind of happy romantic thoughts.

During my time in Germany, Diwali day was miserable for me. I'd do all I could, cook sweets and savouries, decorate the house, make rangoli on the floor outside the main door, get dressed up, do the puja, yet it was lonely. No friends popping over, no phone calls of happy Diwali. No light and no fire works. I don't play with fire works, yet I love looking out of the window at the sky every Diwali and marvel at the ones that are like start burst. I always find them magical and dare I say magical. I love the way India dolls up, every road, every building, every shop is decorated with lights. 

Christmas , for last few years has been anxiety ridden for me. My son, believes in Santa. He loves a Christmas tree. He has lists ready for Santa, several weeks ahead of the x- day... to be honest, he's such a good boy, if there was real Santa, he'd get all the things on his list and more. The thing is, barely managing to make ends meet festivals throw my budget out of the window. There are few things , you just want to do. Just cleaning is not enough, you want to put up decorations. Ordinary food is just not festive enough, you , yourself, want to prepare delicacies. Then there's the matter of new clothes and gifts. your heart wants to give to people you love so much. they make your life so beautiful, a small something t least. Money, becomes like sand between your fingers at festival time.

For New Years, I have my own set of superstitions and rituals. I drink a couple of glasses of wine, I dance, I make sure I'm with my closest friends. I ensure (if I'm seeing someone at that point) to make love at least once . according to me, this will ensure, the entire year , my house will be full of the party spirit, fun, love, food and wine will be there all year round, and I will get good sex too. This year, I have to be at my home town, with my parents. None of my ritual can happen there. Sure I'll be there with my husband, but sex will not happen, as my son will be in the same room as us, there can be no friends, wine or dancing. The airline costs are abominable, I will have to buy gifts for everyone, which I really can't afford right now. My budget and my hope for my 1st New Year with my husband, is not going to happen. I never did get a honeymoon, in my first marriage, or this time round. I was kind of hoping to have time alone with him from Christmas to New Year's welcome the new chapter, in a grand romantic way. I guess I watch too many pulp films and have read too many romances. The joy of spending time with my family has been replaced by a deep anxiety of getting the correct gifts. the travel expenses and ensuring I still have something in the bank for when we come back.

I believe in manifesting abundance. I practise it, teach it. Yet I wonder, why have holidays and festivals become so money driven. Whatever happened to relaxing, chilling, getting a well deserved break. A plain simple holiday. Why does my life have to fit in to certain standards set up by the greeting cards company. I am not gullible , yet I find my self in the very trap, that has been drilled into my head very subtly, over the years. I end up feeling "poor" and small. I end up feeling like a loser. Either for not having a boyfriend on Valentine's day, or not throwing a huge bash on my birthday, or for not having money to "blow up" on Diwali and now because I can't afford the presents I'd like to give my parents, my brother and his family. Its not out of compulsions, just that I'm seeing them after so long. And it is New Years, I will feel miserable, that my rituals can't be performed.

I know I'm not the only one, who has to fight to stay in the correct spirit  during the holidays. Suicide cases go up as do cases for depression. I know single women, who feel extremely lonely during these times when its supposed to be about family and love. Those of us, away from home, or our country miss it far more profoundly during festive seasons. Lack of resources and money, especially drills a huge hole into your self esteem around these times.

I know, one should focus on the positives. The correct spirit being of gratitude for having a family and showing them love. Any body who reads this will say, gifts are not important it, show your loved ones how much you appreciate them. Offer to do something, give them gesture coupons and all that. i don't need special days to remember God or my near and

This year I have a lot of things to be grateful for. I am, everyday. I'm overjoyed, I have so many people who are happy for me. I'm not talking specifically now. I am just trying to get an overall view of the last few years about he holiday blues that a lot of us suffer from.

I'm thinking about children of divorced parents. Young single people, people who can't afford to go to their families, people who are out of their home town or country. I just realised, how hard it must be for them, to just remain positive, when everyone else around them seems to be having a blast. All I can share with you, if you're one such person. I did things anyway. I made greeting cards, I cooked lesser in amount but made sweets and savouries, regardless. I called over others who were also not with their families and ensured we had a good time. I called up everyone I knew to wish them. They all seemed genuinely happy to hear from me and I didn't feel that lonely any more. I scouted for perfect presents, within my budget, months in advance , so that I only had to spend little each month. I told my close friends what I was feeling. I only listened to peppy music and refused to watch any movie other than Action or thrillers. I have been there, I know how hard it is, when these particular blues hit you. Trust me, it gets over pretty quickly, just don't let it get the better of you... 


  1. feels as tho it wz written 4 'me'...

  2. Really great blog. Anyone having u in their life would have no need of superficial gifts. You are the present. Love and light, matt

  3. Really great blog. Anyone having u in their life would have no need of superficial gifts. You are the present. Love and light, matt

  4. thank you Seema, thank you Matt...:)If there is any particular topic you would like to read on, please let me me know. I have a long list of things to write about, suggestions help me narrow it down. thanks again..cheers!! wish you happy holidays :D

  5. .... OHHHHH ... Squirm Squirm ... I so identify ... So do not want my wife to go through it again ...good write :)